Dessicated Coconut

Fantasy ROTK Extended Edition


WELLINGTON, NZ MAR. 3 "Lord of the Rings" director Peter Jackson today announced his plan to re-master the Extended Edition of Return of the King to exclude all the non-Faramir scenes.
"As we made the trilogy, it became increasingly clear that Faramir was really the main character," Jackson stated. "All the screen time devoted to Frodo, Sam, and Aragorn was slowing down the narrative pace. We wanted to skew towards a more female demographic."

Shooting for the new version began last July. Jackson revealed that a preview of the Extended Edition will be released this Friday. The re-mastered movie will contain the following new scenes:

1. In the basement archives of Minas Tirith, Faramir finds the One Ring filed under E -- "Evil"
2. On his lunch break, Faramir rides over to Mt. Doom and chucks the Ring in.
3. Boromir gets the credit for saving Middle Earth; Denethor names all the streets in Minas Tirith after his elder son. Hilarious confusion ensues among the populace.
4. Faramir broods fetchingly atop the parapets

5. FLASHBACK I: Gandalf teaches young Boromir how to make fireworks
6. FLASHBACK II: Boromir practices in the courtyard
7. FLASHBACK III: The White Tree meets its demise
8. FLASHBACK IV: Faramir gets the blame

9. Laundry Day at the Forbidden Pool
10. Faramir oils his sword
11. Faramir oils his sword some more

12. FLASHBACK V: Faramir oils his sword (in slow motion)

13. Kung Fu Lessons
14. My, It's Hot In Here

15. FLASHBACK VI: The brothers play a practical joke on Denethor
16. FLASHBACK VII: Faramir is grounded for life

17. Faramir meets Eowyn as they reach for the same cantaloupe at the market
18. Pointless close-ups of Faramir's lips
19. A witty exchange of knock-knock jokes

20. FLASHBACK VIII: Faramir's First Shave
21. FLASHBACK IX: Faramir's First Visit To The Houses Of Healing

22. Faramir brushes his hair obsessively
23. Faramir sunbathes atop of the Tower of Echthelion, acquiring weird tan lines in the shape of a tree with seven stars

24. FLASHBACK X: Brotherly Advice About Girls: Show Your Quality
25. FLASHBACK XI: A Blind Date With Fidwis
26. FLASHBACK XII: No, You Idiot, I Said Show Her Your QUALITY

27. A picnic with Eowyn
28. Faramir declares his love for Eowyn via an interpretive dance
29. Wedding in Vegas!
30. Boromir Arrested
31. Faramir Finally Gets The Top Bunk Bed

The Extended Edition will also include these special features:

1. Commentary by David Wenham. Choice of Aussie/Texan/Belgian accents, or intermittent moaning.
2. Behind The Scenes: A Look At Faramir's Scars, Birthmarks, And Tattoos
3. Peter Jackson Official Apology For The "Clockwork Orange" Scene
4. David Wenham Reads The Phone Book
*Explanatory note: Fidwis (short for "Faramir is doomed - who is SHE?") is Minas Tirith's female equivalent of Figwit the elf.  She's visible in the crowd as Faramir rides off to retake Osgiliath.


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