Things David characters would never say
Mood:  lucky

Happy St. Patrick's Day (as observed in the Greek Orthodox church, i.e. a day late).  

Why, bedad and begorrah, here's a pic of David in green, so don't go pinching him.  Faith, he's immune.  Besides, ye'll break a nail on yer monitor.

Frankly, I never understood that custom of pinching people who aren't wearing green on St. Patrick's Day.  It seems vaguely coercive, like giving Indian burns to unattached people on Valentine's Day.  Not everyone is Irish, or wants to be.

Then again, on Thanksgiving Day it's traditional to grab vegetarians and dunk them face-first into a bowl of gravy and giblets until they recant their meatless ways.  On Flag Day, we shoot commies in the neck with a blowpipe.

Now that we've gotten these festive holiday emotions out of our system, let's turn our attention to a more serious issue:  pirated DVDs.  Oh yes, they're out there.  Floating around the streets, corrupting our children and corroding our neighborhoods.  How do you know if you're watching a counterfeit copy of a David movie?

Besides the fact that you bought it off a guy named "Cataract" on the sidewalks of Brooklyn, the most obvious tell-tale clues are dubbed lines of dialogue that don't quite fit the character.  For example:

FARAMIR:  Gee, Dad, thanks for letting me have the last cookie.

SAM FLYNN:  Brozzie, what say we go down to the river with some dynamite and waste a few crocodiles?

JIM DOYLE:  I'm no good at figuring out restaurant tips.  Anyone got a calculator?

JOHNNY SPIT: I'll have the Daube Nicoise, the Poche de Veau Varcie, and a bottle of your most amusing Merlot.

LUKE:  I have knife scars number more than your leg hair.  You, with your thick face, have hurt my instep.

RICHARD SHORKINGHORN:  I threat you!  I challenge you meet me with cricket bat for duet!

EDEN FLETCHER:  DO NOT WANT

JOSH:  Desecrated....kiwi...

DILIOS: Greetings, large royal person. Let us not forget to team up together and march into the country to inflict the pain of our tiger karate feet on the rump of the taunting lizard person.

FATHER DAMIEN:  I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

If you find you have a pirated CD in your collection, the safest method of disposal is to pinch it, then throw it in a bowl of gravy.