Warning! Graphic content!
Mood:  special

Picture this:  You're sitting around a table in a conference room, having your weekly video meeting with a couple dozen people on both coasts.  There are two TV screens.  One is displaying a group of yawning co-workers on the other side of the country (it's 7 am Pacific time).  The other screen is plugged into someone's laptop Powerpoint presentation.

One of the meeting participants is giving a status update involving pie charts.

The first 400 or so pie charts are thoroughly unremarkable.

Then the discussion works around to the fact that 100% of the critical P1 project issues (all 2 of them) are still outstanding.  To illustrate this idea, a pie chart appears on the screen.  It looks something like this:

Only more luridly flesh-colored, with a more well-defined...um...crack.  Much like a full moon, in fact.

Now imagine that the phrase "South Park butt" pops into your head.

Unfortunately, because it's a video conference, you can't laugh.  You bite your lip and concentrate very, very hard and try not to dwell on the unfortunate color scheme, but the more you can't laugh, the more you want to laugh.  Your stomach muscles quiver with the effort.  Your eyes are watering.  It seems like an eternity before the meeting presenter moves on to newer and less tushy-looking pie charts.

So what do you do?  During your lunch hour, you channel all this repressed laughter into creating some Powerpoint charts for the Grove.

So if everyone is ready, then, please have a seat, and we'll get started.

We'll begin with item 1 on the agenda:  What is this?

(Sometimes it takes a bar chart to make these things clear.)

Our R&D team has analyzed the Spartan market...

....and found that there won't be much call for satin sheets and hand moisturizer around the Laconian Plain.

The following figure calls attention to David's phenomenal celluloid survival rate (particularly if he's in a battle)...

 

Note that we may have to restate these figures after Public Enemies comes out.

This quarter, 100% of the hills are resonating with the cacophonous symphonies of frustrated playwrights:

Meanwhile, the Edam division is experiencing record profits!

Where delusion (D) intersects with son (S), narrative equilibrium is achieved:

Unfortunately for Denethor, their places cannot be exchanged.  "Mir Brother" commodity supply is extremely inelastic, so there isn't much competition at work here.  Also, the concept of marginal utility does not apply to Faramir.  (We know his uses, and they are many.)

Swords and arrows had flat sales last year.  Our product division is going to be introducing New and Improved versions of these weapons, with even more swiftness and brightness, in hopes of capturing a bigger demographic share of Faramir's heart. 

I was going to conclude today's presentation with a pink bar chart in the shape of an upraised middle finger, depicting Doug's play approval ratings, but that seemed a little tasteless.  Especially since I've already mooned you.