Madgewater Marsh (n., after "Madge", the Palmolive detergent spokeswoman) A vast detergent bog noted for its hobbit foot-softening properties. More generally, a sink full of dirty dishwater.

Hey! Who left the Madgewater Marsh sitting in the sink all night?

 

mallornament (n.) Tacky Lothlorilawn knick-knacks, such as shiny palantirs, garden gnomes, pink plastic fell beasts, and the like.

Celeborn rolled his eyes as he picked his way over Galadriel's collection of mallornaments.

 

mapify (v.) to summarize a complicated plot or situation using a map as visual aid. Var: mapolize, mapolate

I'm not following this quarterly presentation...Can someone take this atlas of Canadian provinces and mapify it for me?

 

Marshall of the Mork (n.) Warrior whose job it is to ride around the Riddermark wearing rainbow suspenders and yelling "Shazzbat!"

 

mary sue (v.) To engage an author in litigation because he/she did not write you into the novel.

Josephine is mary-suing Tolkien Estates and New Line Cinema because she wasn't cast as Legolas' girlfriend.

 

medusalad (n.) Basically, any food that isn't meat.

 

medusold (v., past tense) To unload priceless heirlooms while in a possessed or demented state.

 

medutate (v.) To loiter on the Golden Parapets at Edoras, gazing into the distance. Medutation may periodically be interrupted by soft, cryptic, present-tense pronouncements. Synonym: bloominate

As Aragorn medutated, he heard Legolas murmur "The wind has fled, and paces with sleepless Destiny on the mountaintops. A notorious moon rises."

 

meriadoc (n.) Well-meaning motherly advice given to young hobbit girls (compare "merialawyer", "meriastockbroker" ).

"Iris," said Old Mother Took, "do yourself a favor. When you grow up, don't marry for love. Meriadoc."

 

Middle Dearth (n.) Synonym for "Extended Perdition".

There's such a Middle Dearth of new Tolkien material. If this keeps up, I shall be forced to marry my Theoden action figure off to "Mall Rat" Barbie.

 

minas mogul (n.) Big Cheese of Gondor.

 

Minas Tier (n.) A level of the City of Kings.

 

minas tourist (n.) A casual fan; someone who drops into Middle Earth for awhile but doesn't stay.

Feh! He's only a minas tourist. Hasn't even read the books.

 

mindolloomin' (adj.) Really, really, really giant and overbearing.

Our neighbors won the lottery and built a mindolloomin' four-car garage that blots out the sun.

 

mirkwooden (adj.) Of or relating to a poor acting performance.

"Agh." the elf intoned mirkwoodenly as Orcs hewed at his shinbones.

 

Mirrormeremir (n.) Boromir and Faramir's shiny, vain half-brother.

"Mirrormeremir, on the wall, who's the fairest one of all? Why...I am!"

 

mithrandom (adj.) Of an electrical appliance that works intermittently (after Gandalf's one-time-only use of white light to repel the Nazgul).

 

Monaghandsome (adj.) Aesthetically hobbity. Halfluscious.

 

moon-litters (pl. n.) Puppies and kittens who are only visible by moonlight.

 

mootmoot (n.) Unnecessary meeting.

"All right," said the CEO, "who called this mootmoot?"

 

mordoor (n.) An unnecessarily complicated and baroque entrance involving narrow stairs, troll-powered gates, and icky spiders.

That mordoor goes real nice with the eowyndows.

 

mordorg chart (n.) Powerpoint slide depicting the departmental breakdown of Ultimate Evil.

 

mordorogeny (n.) Geologic phenomenon, describing the tendency of mountain chains in fantasy novels to erupt from the bedrock in a perfectly square formation. If it is an evil mountain range, it will surround an isolated live volcano.

 

morgulp (n.) The queen of all drink sizes, available only at the Mordor 7-11. There's the Big Gulp, the Super Gulp, and the Morgulp.

"I'll have a stinkin' maggoty slushee," said Lugburz. "Make it a double morgulp."

 

Moriah Carey (n.) Noted dwarf & western singer, who popularized such tunes as:

 

She Got The Mithril Mine, I Got The Shaft

Velcro Beard, Teflon Heart

Before, Durin, And After

Life Is An Oakenshield, And I Keep Gettin' Splinters

Every Time A Bell Rings, A Balrog Gets Its Wings

Mamma, Get The Axe (There's A Fly On Daddy's Head)

Misty Mountains, Dry Well

Four On The Floor (And A Noldor In The Trunk)

Gloìn, Gloìn...Gone

This Mine Is Mine Mine, This Mine Is Yourn Mine

 

Moth of Sauron (n.) A hopeful, reassuring spokesperson who delivers awful news.

"Your car needs $2500 worth of repairs," said the Moth of Sauron. "But on the bright side, nature will eventually triumph over industry."

 

mothril (n.) An amalgam of powdered moth and silver, mothril is the most highly prized of metaphors. It retains its brilliant shine even as it symbolizes the victory of good over evil. Rumored to be far stronger than powdered eagle.

 

mumak daddy (n.) Pimpin' Harad gangsta with fully tricked-out oliphaunt: phat leopard-skin upholstery, "rough ryda" steel rims, diamond monogrammed tusks, tiny crown perched on the rump, etc.

 

mumakrobatics (n.) An elaborate CGI gymnastic routine, ending with an arrow to the cranium, a double-pike dismount, and a rousing 6.0 ovation.

 

mumock (v.) To make fun of elephants.

 

mumuzak (n.) Bland background music that accompanies trampling, killing, braying, and shrieking.

As Iris waited nervously in the dentists' office, a mumuzak version of "Tusk" wafted over the PA system.

 

 

Narsilssistic (adj.) Conceited because you get to carry the humungous sword.

Aragorn's narsilcissm was beginning to wear on Gimli; did he HAVE to keep unsheathing Anduril and admiring his own reflection?

 

narsilt (n.) The crumbled, charred remains of Sauron's finger.

Isildur tenderly swept up the Narsilt - it would make good briquettes for the victory barbecue.

 

narsyllogism (n.) Fragmented shards of logic that don't relate in any way.

III. Let's send elves to Helm's Deep!

 

Nazgolas (n.) Saruman's initial plan was to create an immortal winged army by crossing Ring-wraiths with Elves. The experiment was abandoned when the first litter of Nazgolas flew off in search of a Bath & Body store, and never returned.

 

nenya-nenya-nenya! (interj.) Taunt delivered to ringless Elves. Those who engage in such childish behavior are vilyafied by the others.

 

Neville Longbottom Leaf  (n.) Harry Potter's little friend who smokes too much.

 

Nimrodeo Drive (n.) Haute-couture street in Caras Galadhon where designer elf clothing is purveyed: Ralph Lorien, Celevin Klein, Tommy Hilfigwit, etc.

 

nitwit (v.) (after Figwit's less successful younger brother) To raise a background character out of obscurity by devoting websites, chat rooms, scholarly articles, etc. to them.

 

Numedelorean (n.) An extravagant, gull-winged conveyance, in which the Dunedain could travel back in time and prevent Ar-Pharazon from marrying Michael J. Fox's mother.

 

Numemorandum (n.) Official dictate concerning large waves.

 

Numenorah (n.) Happy Arnorkkah!

 

 

oliflaunt (v.) To brag about one's beasts of mass destruction.

"Nyaah nyaah!" the haradrim oliflaunted. "We got big spiky pachyderms and you don't!"

 

Olifont (n.) an enormous typeface.

For extra emphasis, Gary typed all of his complaint letters in 144-pt. Olifont Stampede Bold.

 

oliphaunted (n.) Possessed by humongous ghosts.

This house must be oliphaunted. There's a giant ectoplasmic foot in my bedroom.

 

orcitecture (n.) Hideous, lumpy building style characterized by: impaled enemy skulls, doorways in corners, and oodles of black spiky stuff. Yegads...Pleasantville's historic district has been ruined by orcitecture!

 

orcodontia (n.) Dentistry that results in one's teeth looking worse than they did before.

Hey, I love your new yellow, crooked teeth! Who's your orcodontist?

 

Orcristco (n.) Sword lubricant.

 

orlanding (n.) An elaborate, gymnastic method of descent, used in place of a much simpler method.

Jason somersaulted down the stairs, did a half-gainer, and stuck the Orlanding.

 

orligasm (n.) an involuntary spasm resulting in lower-case typing and substitution of numbers for letters e.g. “l3ggy roXXXorzz!!111  i want 2 hav his babeez!!1”

 

orodroom (n.) A man-made entrance into a volcano, designed specifically for casting small evil items into molten lava. Orodrooms all contain 8,000-foot sculpted rock buttresses leading partway into a bottomless pyroclastic pit.

“Toss it in the orodroom.”

 

orthanky-panky (n.) Just exactly what went on inside Saruman’s locked and guarded tower during the third movie? No one is saying.

 

orthotancs (n.) Prescription shoe inserts worn by Saruman, Grima, et. al.

 

Orthunk (n.) Noise made by things falling from Saruman's tower.

The palantir landed on the ground with a satisfying "orthunk".

 

osgilip (n.) Military back-talk.

Don't give me none of that osgilip....now go and retake the city!

 

Oslitigate (v.) 1. To wander off topic while making a closing statement to a jury. 2. To start off suing for slander, but wind up suing for copyright infringement.

 

Otto-didact (n.) One who is entirely self-taught on the subject of Eowyn.

 

palanteary (adj.) Upset over an unpleasant vision imparted by the Seeing Stone. Denethor came down the stairs all palanteary. Instead of defending Gondor, his feckless second son had invited the Haradrim up to Henneth Annun and was teaching them the hokey pokey.

 

palantyro (n.) One who is unskilled in the telepathic arts.

Though still a palantyro, Pippin couldn't resist fondling the shiny, shiny orb.

 

pauldrone (v.) To go on, and on, and on, about overlapping shoulder plates, hauberks, and other forms of torso shielding. (ed. note: pauldrons are the shoulder thingys worn by the Gondorian army)

The more the arms-and-armour geek pauldroned about his costume, the more desperately Beulah wanted to leave the Renaissance fair.

 

Pelennor Rigby (n.) Derogatory term for a warrior who disguises himself as a female in order to evade battle. The opposite of a dernhelm.

 

perchcussion (n.) The act of accompanying oneself with fish-whacking whilst singing. For example, Gollum in the Forbidden Pool.

That new coloratura perchcussionist at the Met plays a mean halibut.

 

Peregrinch (n.) The Hobbit who Stole Christmas.

Pere-grinch!

 

Peregrond Took (n.) Pippin's wolfish cousin.

"Here! Peregrond!" said Belladonna Took sharply. "Stop battering your head against the door, and go do something constructive!"

 

periannatheist (n.) One who doesn't believe in the existence of Halflings.

 

Personwe (n.) Greatest and most gender-neutral of the Valar.

 

pippinch (v.) To liberally help oneself to food, Longbottom Leaf, palantirs, etc.

Hey! Somebody pippinched the last popsicle!

 

pipprehensive (adj.) Nervousness on the eve of battle; anxiety that one's shortness may prove to be a handicap.

Moments before his name was called for the pole-vault competition, Tattoo felt pipprehensive.

 

po-tay-toes (interj.) Teenage slang for "Duh!"

If we sneak in the rear of the movie theater, we don't have to pay. Po-tay-toes!

 

The Prancing Phony (n.) Popular gathering spot for poseurs, artistes, and miscellaneous pretentious people in dark glasses.

 

Pukel-men (n.) Statues of hungover frat boys lining the paths to Dunharrow.

 

Punharrow (n.) A perilous camping spot one day's hard ride from Edoras, which causes unwary victims to engage in unremitting wordplay. After the Fellowship spent the night there, Gandalf was heard the next morning singing "How do you solve a problem like Moria?", while Gimli hummed "I found mithril, on Blueberry Hill". This alone would have been grounds for dissolving the Fellowship.

 

 

queagle (v.) To expose plot holes by asking simple, obvious questions that require torturous explanations. Examples of queagleries include:

How did the Ring lie at the bottom of a river for 3,000 years without getting silted over?