Dessicated Coconut

Lord of the Swoons: Part One

Backstory:  "Lord of the Swoons" got started when one of the regulars on the Faramir/David thread at TORC developed a severe addiction to Sean Bean and the Sharpe DVDs.  People began to joke about going on a quest to rescue her from temptation and madness by destroying the Sharpe DVDs.  "Lord of the Swoons" spontaneously started taking shape, and this is what emerged from the collective soul of the Faramir thread.  Lots of silliness and spoofing of familiar scenes from LOTR.
The Lord of the Swoons

A screenplay in three parts

Written by posters in the Faramir Swooning Thread on TORC, February 2004

Contributors (in alphabethical order):


Part One: The Fellowship of the Swoon

(Black screen. We hear a FEMALE VOICE.)

I amar prestar aen…
The world is changed.
Han mathon ne nen…
I feel it in the posts.
Han mathon ne chae…
I feel it in the messageboard.
A han noston ned gwilith.
I smell it in the threads.

(TITLE: The Fellowship of the Swoon)

LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR (VO): It began with the forging of the great DVDs. Three were given to the Fazguls, immortal, wisest, and fairest of all Swooners. Seven to the Orlilovers, great droolers and chatters of the TORC halls. And nine, nine DVDs were gifted to the race of Borobeanies, who above else, desire Bean. For within these DVDs was bound the strength and will to govern each swoon. But they were all deceived, for another DVD was made.

In the land of Bordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord PJ forged in secret a master DVD, to control all others. And into this Sharpe DVD he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all swoons.

One Bean to rule them all!

LALAITHURWEN (VO): One by one, the free Swooners of Middle-earth fell to the power of the Bean. But there were some who resisted. A Last Alliance of Faramir Swooners marched against the Borobeanies, and on the slopes of Mount Doom fought for the freedom to swoon for Boromir’s younger brother.

(The SWOONERS chase after SHIELDMATRON, only to find her standing within the firey chamber of Mount Doom, a maniacal grin on her face as she clutches the remains of her videos.)

MAKE_IT_STOP: Shieldmatron, cast it into the fire!

(SHIELDMATRON looks around wildly.)

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: What are you waiting for? Destroy it!

(SHIELDMATRON hesitates.)

LALAITHURWEN (VO): But the power of the Bean could not be undone.

SHIELDMATRON: The Bean is mine!

SWOONERS: Noooooooo!



(In a cosy hobbit-hole, TEXAS-HOBBIT wakes from her nightmare. She sits up in bed, looks around, relieved, realizes that it was only a dream.)

TEXAS-HOBBIT (to herself): That was strange and no mistake…



(MAKE_IT_STOP is sitting beneath a tree, singing softly to herself. As the camera pans closer, we discern the words.)

MAKE_IT_STOP (singing):
Daisy, Daisy,
Give me your answer, do
I’m half-crazy
All for the love of you
It’s not the most stylish photo
(though you’re just as emotive as Frodo)
But I’ll feel warm
Inside the form
Of a –

SUEB (yelling, off camera): Make_it_stop! Make_it_stop! Where is that girl?



(SUEB is seated at her desk in the study at Faz End. She has her back to view and is apparently writing something in a large book.)

SUEB (VO): Concerning Faramir Swooners…
(She dips her pen and resumes writing.)
SUEB (VO): Faramir Swooners have been posting and swooning in the Swooning Threads of the Fandom Forum for many hundreds of days. Quite content to ignore and be ignored by the world of the other TORCers - TORC being, after all, full of strange creatures beyond count. Faramir Swooners must seem of little importance, being neither renowned as great villains, nor counted among the very spammish posters.
(She chuckles, then resumes writing.)

SUEB (VO): In fact, it has been remarked by some that the Faramir Swooners' only real passion is for swoony sig pics. A rather unfair observation, as we have also developed a keen interest in the discussion of many aspects of the character of Faramir, and the sharing of movie recommendations. But where our hearts truly lie is in peace and quiet, and a good swoon. For all Faramir Swooners share a love of things that are swoonworthy. And yes, no doubt, to others our ways seem quaint. But today, of all days, it is brought home to me, it is no bad thing to celebrate a simple swoon.

(She is interrupted by a knocking at the door.)

SUEB: Make_it_stop! The door!

MAKE_IT_STOP (off camera): I’m busy swooning! Open your damn door yourself!



(We follow LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR on her way to the Tower of Orfan.)

SHIELDMATRON (VO): Smoke rises from the Mountain of Swoon. The hour grows late and Legessa rides to Fangard seeking my counsel. For that is why you have come, is it not? My Swooner friend.

LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR: Shieldmatron.

(They talk in the gardens outside Orfan.)

SHIELDMATRON: You are sure of this?

LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR: Beyond any doubt.

SHIELDMATRON: So the Bean of Power has been found.

LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR: All these long years it was in the Wenire, under my very nose.

SHIELDMATRON: Yet you did not have the wit to see it. Your love of the Wenham pictures has clearly slowed your mind.

LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR: But we still have time. Time enough to counter Boromir if we act quickly.

SHIELDMATRON: Time?! What time do you think we have?

(CUT TO: SHIELDMATRON’s chamber inside Orfan.)

SHIELDMATRON: Boromir has regained much of his former strength. He cannot yet take physical form, but his spirit has lost none of its potency. Concealed within his DVDs, the Lord of Bordor sees all. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth, and flesh. You know of what I speak, Twinky; a great Sword… handleless… wreathed in flame.

LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR: The Sword of Boromir. By the way, you are drooling on the floor, hon.

SHIELDMATRON: He is gathering all fangirls to him. Very soon he will summon an army great enough to launch an assault upon the Fandom boards.

LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR: You know this? How?

SHIELDMATRON: I have seen it.

(They enter the chamber of the DVDs. "GoldenEye" "Ronin" and "Don't Say A Word" DVDs lay on a table, under a cloth.)

LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR: A DVD is a dangerous tool, shieldmatron.

SHIELDMATRON: Why? Why should we fear to watch them?

(SHIELDMATRON uncovers the DVDs.)

LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR: They are not all accounted for, the lost Blockbuster rentals. We do not know who else may be watching them!

(LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR throws the cloth over the DVDs again. Boromir flashes through her mind.)

SHIELDMATRON: The hour is later than you think. Boromir's forces are already moving. The Borobeanies have left Minas MorSharpe.

LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR: The Borobeanies!

SHIELDMATRON: They crossed the River Fan on Midsummer's Eve, disguised as fangirls in black.

LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR: They've reached the Wenire?!

SHIELDMATRON: They will find the Bean… and turn to Boromir Swooning the one who carries it.


(LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR heads towards the door, but SHIELDMATRON closes it with her mind, and then the other doors in turn.)

SHIELDMATRON: You did not seriously think that a Fazgul could contend with the will of Boromir. There are none who can. Against the power of Bordor there can be no victory. We must swoon for him, Twinky. We must swoon for Boromir. It would be wise, my friend.

LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR: Tell me, “friend”, when did Shieldmatron the Wise abandon reason for madness?!

(Fangirl fight begins.)



(We are in Fazladris. MAKE_IT_STOP and FARAWEN are talking.)

MAKE_IT_STOP: And now you say that shieldmatron has betrayed us. Our list of allies grows thin.

FARAWEN: Her treachery goes further than you think. She swoons for all of Sean Bean’s characters and no longer puts Fazzy in her sig pics.

MAKE_IT_STOP: The end has come.

SUEB (interrupting): Guys? Everybody’s waiting, so if you’re ready…

MAKE_IT_STOP: Yes, yes, we are coming.



(The Council has been summoned.)

ELFPRINCESSBUTTERCUP: Swooners from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Bordor. Wenhamdor stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate – this one Swoon.

(She gestures to the pedestal.)

ELFPRINCESSBUTTERCUP (cont.): Bring forth the Bean, Farawen!

(FARAWEN brings forth a pile of Sharpe DVDs and lays them on the pedestal. The SWOONERS gasp.)

SHIELDMATRON: So it is true…

MAKE_IT_STOP: The Doom of Faz…

SHIELDMATRON: In a dream, I saw the eastern sky grow dark. But in the West a pale light lingered. A voice was crying: Your Swoon is near at hand.

(She reaches for the DVD.)


(SHIELDMATRON pulls her hand back in shock.)

PRINCESSFAZ: Ash nazg durbatulűk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulűk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!

ELFPRINCESSBUTTERCUP: Never before has any voice uttered the words of that tongue here in Fazladris!

PRINCESSFAZ: I do not ask your pardon, Princess Buttercup, for the Black Speech of Bordor may yet be heard in every corner of Wenhamdor! The Bean is altogether evil!

SHIELDMATRON: It is a gift! A gift to the foes of Bordor. Why not use this Bean? (She paces.) Give us the weapon of the enemy!

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: You cannot wield it. None of us can!

SHIELDMATRON: And what would a shieldmaiden know of this matter?

(SHIELDMATRON sits back in her chair, shaking her head in disbelief.)

SHIELDMATRON: Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly!

(FARAWEN leaps to her feet.)

FARAWEN: Have you heard nothing Princess Buttercup has said? The Red-Haired One must be swooned for!

TEXAS-HOBBIT: And I believe you are the one to do it?

FARAWEN: No, I mean, I’d share with you, of course!

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: And if we fail, what then? What happens when PJ takes back what is his?

TEXAS-HOBBIT: I will be dead before I see the Bean in the hands of an Orli Swooner!

NIMRODELSONG: Yeah, well, don’t think an Orli Swooner would want it anyways.

(Commotion starts as arguments erupt amongst the COUNCIL MEMBERS.)

TEXAS-HOBBIT: Never trust an Orli Swooner!

PRINCESSFAZ: Do you not understand that while we bicker amongst ourselves, the Bean’s power grows? None can escape it! You'll all be destroyed!

SHIELDMATRON: I will take it! I will take the Precious!

(The argument dies down. The COUNCIL MEMBERS slowly turn towards SHIELDMATRON, astonished.)

ELFPRINCESSBUTTERCUP: Precious? It has been called that before, but not by you.

SHIELDMATRON: What business is it of yours whom I swoon for? I know you are really all French spies. No, hang on… My men tell me you are Orc spies! No, wait… I’m so confused!

FARAWEN: Now wait just a minute! We are not spies!

SHIELDMATRON: Well then, who are you?

(The COUNCIL MEMBERS look at each other, confused.)


(MAKE_IT_STOP nudges TEXAS-HOBBIT, who reluctantly steps forward.)

TEXAS-HOBBIT: Er… well… Hi. We are your fellow Faramir Swooners. Don’t you know your fellow Faramir Swooners?

(She is trying to hold back the tears. SPACEPIRATE hands her a kleenex.)

SH_WULFF: We are here to help you!

(SHIELDMATRON is still suspicious.)

MAKE_IT_STOP (nods at SHIELDMATRON) If there is need to swoon for Faramir, send me in her place.

PRINCESSFAZ: One does not simply walk into Fazzy Swoonland and not swoon for Fazzy. There are swooners there that do not sleep… your throat chokes with the very swoonability of Fazzy.

LALAITHURWEN: Anyway, yes, TORC certainly needs Swooners with intelligence for this mission, quest, Fandom thing.

SPACEPIRATE: Well that rules you out, Lalaith.

TEXAS-HOBBIT: Alright, alright. Time for an intervention!

(CLOSE-UP on SHIELDMATRON, who looks concerned.)



(The SWOONERS gather around SHIELDMATRON in an Affirmation Circle, singing “Kum Ba Yah”, a large fire burns in a barbeque grill nearby. TEXAS-HOBBIT tosses SHIELDMATRON’s videos on the fire, one by one.)

SHIELDMATRON (pleadingly): What’s it doing? What’s it DOING, precious?

MAKE_IT_STOP: She has to destroy them, shieldmatron. She has to destry them, for your sake.

SHIELDMATRON: NOOOOOOOOOOO! Do not take my Sharpe from me!

(With amazing agility and strength, SHIELDMATRON leaps over the heads of the SWOONERS, and snatches the last 2 remaining videos.)

SHIELDMATRON (dancing triumphantly): Ha, ha, ha! The Precious is MIIIIIINNNEEE!

(She falls off the edge of the patio deck into shrubbery.)

FARAWEN (solemnly shaking head): So passes shieldmatron, daughter of –

SHIELDMATRON (muffled): No. I’m okay. And you guys call ME nuts.

(SHIELDMATRON climbs back up onto patio deck and pulls out from behind her back a giant, mercury glass, blue colored gazing ball lawn ornament.)

SHIELDMATRON: Do you think the eyes of the deck are blind? You seek to supplant my affections with that Ranger of Ithilien! I will not bow down to him! There's naught left in all of you but LIES and DECEIT! It's my videos you want, that's ALL you care about!

SPACEPIRATE (kindly): shieldmatron, it is but a shadow and a thought that you love! It's just a video. Sharpe is not real. Boromir is not real!

SHIELDMATRON (rocking back and forth, hands over ears): Not listening! Not listening!

LALAITHURWEN: You have no idea what it's done to you...

LISELLE: What it's STILL doing to you!

PRINCESSFAZ: We want to help you, shieldmatron.

SHIELDMATRON (clutching charred videos to chest, suspiciously): Why?

MAKE_IT_STOP: Because we HAVE to believe you can come back.

SH_WULFF (gently): It's the Bean, shieldmatron. You can't take your eyes off him. You're not eating, you barely sleep. It's taking hold of you.

NIMRODELSONG: You have to FIGHT it, shieldmatron.

(SHIELDMATRON ruminates briefly, then madness transforms her delicate features.)

SHIELDMATRON: Noooooo! Tricksy swooners!

(She runs away, laughing maniacally.)

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN (turning to others): NOW what?

FARAWEN: Oh great. Well, let’s go get her before she hurts herself.



(We are in the Halls of Moria. The Swooners are trapped.)

MAKE_IT_STOP (reading): They have taken the Shieldmatron, and the PrincessFaz. We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. The thread shakes. Swoons, swoons in the deep. We cannot get out. A Sharpe moves in the dark. We cannot get out...They are coming.

Farawen (exasperated): They have "Ronin"!

Spacepirate: Argh! Let them come. There is one Fazgul in Fandom yet who still draws breath!

(Sound of swelling classical music.)

SMOR: What is this new devilry?

sh_wulff: Aiiiii! "Troy"! A classic of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of us. Run!

(The Fellowship crosses the bridge towards the colony of Molokai. SueB stops halfway across.)

SueB (thunderously): Go back to the Boz Thread. YOU....SHALL NOT....SWOON!!!!!

Liselle: SuuuuuueB!!!

SueB: Faint, you fools!

(SueB loses her grip and thuds to the floor. She is borne by eagles to the Forbidden Pool, where Faramir heals her by doing monkey imitations.)



(SHIELDMATRON sits amongst the rocks, weeping for the dissing her Sharpe DVDs are taking.)

SPACEPIRATE: Get her up!

LISELLE: Give her a moment, for pity’s sake!

TEXAS-HOBBIT: By nightfall, these hills will be swarming with Faramir Swooners!

FARAWEN: Tex, that’s a good one. What exactly are we then, say?

(SHIELDMATRON finds herself hauled to her feet by a hunk with green eyes and slyly faints in his arms.)

HUNK WITH GREEN EYES (looking around as Fazzy Swooners descend): What is this new devilry?

LALAITHURWEN: Mr. Gorgeous Ranger Man, these are the Fazguls, Swooners of the modern world. Their ways are beyond you, Fazzy. (She gives him a push.) RUN!

FARAMIR: No, seriously. What are they?

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN (giving him a sympathetic look): They were once women. Then PJ the Deceiver gave them a Ranger of Ithilien. Blinded by their greed, they took him without question, one by one falling into Swooniness. Now they are slaves to his will. They are the Fazgul, Farawraiths, neither silent nor sane. At all times they feel the presence of the Ranger, drawn to the power of the Faz. They will never stop hunting you.

DE_LURKER: Shyeah! You’re one to talk, SMOR!

(We cut to MAKE_IT_STOP, LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR and FARAWEN, engrossed in discussing Faramir clones.)

MAKE_IT_STOP: Does this mean I have to give back my Faramir clone, by the way?

FARAWEN: Unless you want a horde of drooling Fazguls yelling, “It stole the preciousss! Filthy little thieves!” at your heels…

LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR: It would be a noble price to pay for a Faramir clone! A noble price indeed!

MAKE_IT_STOP: Hear hear, Legessa!

(MAKE_IT_STOP rocks back and forth clutching her clone.)

MAKE_IT_STOP: The clone is my friend. It was a birthday present, preciousss.



DON’T_MAKE_IT_STOP: Sw—ooon—er—er.

MAKE_IT_STOP (covering her eyes and turning her head from the monitor): Not reading! Not reading! Go away.

DON’T_MAKE_IT_STOP: (laughs maniacally)



(The Fellowship rests for the night. SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN and LALAITHURWEN are talking.)

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: Faramir is a sexy, sexy, SEXY man... but his rule is failing. And now our... our people lose faith. The Swooners look to me to make things right and I would do it. I would see the glory of Faramdor restored. (She sighs.) Have you ever seen it, Lalaith? The ginger hair of Wenhamion, glimmering with spikes of copper and gold. His cape fluttering in the morning breeze. Have you ever been felled to the floor by the clear moistening of blue eyes?

LALAITHURWEN: I have seen the One Redhead, long ago. In de_lurker's sig pic.

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: One day, our paths will lead us there. And the TORC mods shall take up the call: The Swooners of Wenhamdor have returned!



(The Fellowship is asleep. MAKE_IT_STOP walks by. PRINCESSFAZ wakes up with a start and proceeds to follow her. MAKE_IT_STOP descends to the garden and turns on the 56" widescreen plasma TV. She turns towards PRINCESSFAZ and gestures towards an Elven sofa and bowl of popcorn.)

MAKE_IT_STOP: Will you look into the TV?

PRINCESSFAZ: What will I see?

MAKE_IT_STOP: Even the wisest cannot tell. For the TV shows many things.

(She picks up the remote control and begins to channel-surf.)

MAKE_IT_STOP: Movies that were... movies that are... and some movies... (She turns to channel 999.) …that have not yet come to pass.

(PRINCESSFAZ sits on the sofa and looks at the TV. At first she sees nothing but home shopping channels. The suddenly the TV clears and shows a vision of WILMA, FARAMIRFAN2 and SPACEPIRATE, then LISELLE. She sees Bag Thread, then the burning of the Forum, the enslavement of the Faraswooners and the destruction of all of Middle-TORC. Then the Bare Chest of Searn fills the entire TV. The Boromir Bobble-head hanging from PRINCESSFAZ's neck pulls her closer to the screen. Smoke begins to pour out of the television set as Searn speaks to PRINCESSFAZ in the Black Speech of Yorkshire. Terrified, she grabs the Bobblehead and jerks back, landing on her back on the sofa.)

MAKE_IT_STOP (telepathically): I know what it is you saw, for it is also in my mind. It is what will come to pass if you should fail. The Fellowship of the Swooners is breaking. It has already begun. She will try to take the Bobblehead. You know of whom I speak. *cough*shieldmatron*cough* One by one it will destroy them all.

PRINCESSFAZ: If you ask it of me, I will give you the Boz Bobblehead. (Opening her palm, she offers it to MAKE_IT_STOP.)

MAKE_IT_STOP: You offer it to me freely. I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this.

(She approaches PRINCESSFAZ and licks the Bobblehead thoughtfully. Her image begins to change.)


(MAKE_IT_STOP returns to normal.)

MAKE_IT_STOP: I pass the test! I will diminish, and go into the far East, and remain a Fazzy swooner.

PRINCESSFAZ: Oh, good. Glad we got that settled.



(The Fellowship is about to leave when FARAMIR, LORD OF THE SWOONS, unexpectedly shows up for a cameo. SPACEPIRATE faints, MAKE_IT_STOP can’t stop giggling, and SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN fans herself. He has brought gifts for the Fellowship.)

FARAMIR: My gift for you, NimrodelSong, is a swooning sig pic of Legolas, worthy of the skill of our Swooning kin.

(NIMRODELSONG looks at the picture in silent awe.)

(FARAMIR smiles, and turns to LALAITHURWEN and SH_WULFF.)

FARAMIR: These are the Sandwiches of the Gondorians. They have already seen service in swooning. Do not fear, young sh_wulff. You will find your drool bucket.

(Cut to SPACEPIRATE, smiling as she remembers FARAMIR's gift to her.)

FARAMIR: And for you, Spacepirate, a link to a gawking pic of myself.

SPACEPIRATE: Thank you, my lord. Have you run out of those yummy, droolworthy sandwiches?

(FARAMIR smiles. He turns to TEXAS-HOBBIT.)

FARAMIR: And what gift would a Texas-hobbit ask of me?

TEXAS-HOBBIT: Nothing. Except to look upon the Lord of the Swoons one last time, for he is more swoonworthy than all the DVD screen captures beneath and on this earth.

(FARAMIR smiles at TEXAS-HOBBIT. She turns to walk away, then halts and turns back.)

TEXAS-HOBBIT: Actually, there was one thing... Ah, that's quite impossible. Stupid to ask, stupid...

(TEXAS-HOBBIT sits in the boat with NIMRODELSONG, smiling faintly. In another boat, we see DE_LURKER, who is remembering as well.)

(FARAMIR stands before DE_LURKER and places his hand on her sig pic. In the background, MAKE_IT_STOP can be seen loading the boats with Faramir action figures.)

FARAMIR: I have nothing greater to give than the gift you already bear. Am meleth dîn, I ant e-guil Shieldmatron pelitha. (For her constant Boromir Swooning, I fear the grace of Shieldmatron will diminish.)

SUEB (in the background): Did you hear that?!? He speaks ELVISH!

SH_WULFF: Ssssh!

DE_LURKER: Aníron i e broniatha ar periatham amar hen. Aníron e ciratha a Valannor. (I would have her leave those Boromir Swooning Threads, and be with her people. I would have her... take the ship to the Faramir Swooning Thread.)

FARAMIR: That choice is yet before her. You have your own choice to make, de_lurker. To rise above the height of all your sig pics since the days of Premiere Membership, (his voice deepens) or to fall into darkness... with all that is left of your kin.

(Silence. DE_LURKER nods.)

FARAMIR: Namárië. (Farewell.) Nadath nâ i moe cerich. (There is much swooning you have yet to do.)

SUEB: I can’t believe he speaks Elvish. That was beautiful, wasn’t it? Wasn’t that beautiful?

(SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN sits in her boat, remembering. We see FARAMIR as he hands her a chrystalline vessel shaped like a teardrop, filled with a clear water and a shining light.)

FARAMIR: Farewell, shieldmaidenofrohan. I give you the light of Faramir, our most beloved star. May it be a light for you in dark places, when you can find neither the light switch nor the Faramir Swooning Thread.


TEXAS-HOBBIT: I have taken my worst wound at this parting, having looked my last upon that which is fairest. Henceforth I will call nothing fair unless it be his gift to me.

NIMRODELSONG: What was his gift?

TEXAS-HOBBIT: I asked him for one hair from his red head. He gave me three...

Nexxxxt >>>>

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