I wrote this story for some friends who had had a difficult week. It's based on the children's
classic, "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day".
If you're having a bad day, pull up a beanbag chair, snuggle into a down comforter, and listen
to the tale of...
Faramir and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very
By make_it_stop (with apologies to Judith Viorst)
Last night when I went to bed I had athelas in my mouth and now there’s athelas in my hair and when I got up I
tripped over my white Steward rod and by mistake I dropped my quiver in the sink while the water was running and I could tell
it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
At breakfast Boromir found a free Shard of Narsil
in his breakfast cereal and Dad found a miniature Secret Agent Decoding Palantir ring but all I found in my breakfast cereal
box was breakfast cereal.
I think I’ll move to Australia.
On the way to Ithilien Madril got to ride
in the front. Damrod and Beregond got to ride in the front too. I said I was being smushed. I said the other Rangers were
smelly and needed baths. I said the forest was too hot and buggy. I said if I don’t get to ride up front, I am going
to be sick. No one even answered. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
tell because Frodo said I wasn’t his best friend any more. He said that the Ring was his best friend and that Sam was
his next best friend and that Pippin was his third best friend and that Merry was his fourth best friend and that
I was only, like, his six hundredth best friend. I hope you sit on Sting, I said to Frodo. I hope the next time you get
strawberry Longbottom Leaf coney stew, the strawberry part falls off and lands in Australia.
At Osgiliath there were
fell beasts and Damrod told me my life would be forfeit and one of the orcs made me fall where it was muddy. There were two
cupcakes in Madril’s pack and Damrod got a lembas bar with dessicated coconut sprinkles. Guess whose dad forgot to put
in dessert? It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
That’s what it was, because afterwards Dad said
I was a crybaby and scolded me for being muddy and fighting. He made me go back and retake the city. My horse stepped on my
foot and there were arrows and my father went loony and tried to cremate me. When I fell off the pyre I chipped my tooth.
Ioreth said come back next week and she’ll fix it.
Next week, I said, I’m going to Australia.
hands were too cold, the athelas bath was too hot, and my marble went down the drain. Eowyn fell in love with me and tried
to kiss me and I hate kissing. I had to wear my White Tree pajamas. I hate my White Tree pajamas. The night-torch burned out
and I bit my tongue and Merry took back the pillow he said I could keep.
At the coronation I had to stand around in
a sissy blue velvet robe and smile at Eowyn. Even though she has cooties. Aragorn gets to be king now and I'll
have to take the bottom bunkbed.
It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Gandalf says some days are
Even in Australia.