Each hair in the Dilios is carefully inspected as soon as it emerges from the follicle.  All off-color, deformed, or weak hairs are mercilessly culled with tweezers.  The remaining stubble is trained to march in perfect Spartan formation over a determined, square jaw.  This beard is strong.  This beard is manly.  This beard is disciplined.  Not like those sparse wisps of girl-fuzz worn by the Athenians.

The Sprague is one of those ambiguous goatees that say either “funky artsy guy who listens to Dar Williams and reads Daily Kos” or “remorseless rapist/serial killer with hideous razor scars criss-crossing his abdomen”.  Stare at the picture for awhile.  See it flip back and forth, like those pictures of vases that suddenly resolve themselves into human profiles?  No?  Better keep staring.

An authentic 19^th-century beard, the Damien is traditionally the result of community beard-raising bees.  Villages would pool their facial hair, in the hopes of scraping together enough for one beard.  This beard won’t get you many dates, but it does project stern moral authority and unconditional love.

Sometimes referred to as “eight o’clock shadow”, the Faramir is the result of an unusual force-field surrounding Middle Earth that permanently arrests facial hair growth at three days.  The effect is of a light fuzzy mist that has settled on the chin and upper lip, like spray-on insulation.  Frustrated beard energy is redirected to the top of the head, where it manifests itself as a lush, shoulder-length waterfall of golden alpha hair.

With the Larrikin, it is usually not necessary to groom the head hair.  The Larrikin emits sex beams that make the head hair automatically stand up at a suave angle.