Movie maladies
Mood:  lazy

Here's some useful knowledge.  In one of J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter" books, mandrake root is used to cure paralyzed victims of the Basilisk Stare.

You may have also fallen prey to this malady at some point, or know a David fan who has.  But Basilisk Stare isn't the only film that poses a danger to your health.  Below, we offer time-tested folk remedies for ailments brought on by other David movies, such as vapors (LOTR), dropsy (Seachange), collywobbles (Van Helsing), and jazz hands (Moulin Rouge).

SEACHANGE - To ward off dizzy spells, purchase fresh mullet at the fish market.  Throw one onto the roof of every house that borders yours.  Then knot nine scrabble tiles into a handkerchief and wear it around your neck.  (Don't use Q or J, they'll just give you a headache.)

DUST - Rub your face with equal parts dirt and watermelon juice.  Lie down on the ground in a sheep pasture with your head facing towards Macedonia, until a peasant girl comes along to nurse you back to health.

VAN HELSING - Using a roll of duct tape sprinkled with holy water by a priest, tape your ears forward so they stick out at a 90 degree angle.  Your head should resemble a cross.  This will aid circulation to the brain and restore the balance of the humors.  Especially among your friends, who will get an enormous chuckle out of watching headwinds waft you up into trees.

MOULIN ROUGE - Put on some Nat King Cole, apply a poultice of sauerkraut and kimchee to your forehead, and obsess over Carol Channing.

LORD OF THE RINGS - Tie an eel skin around your knee and lie on a sandy shore while the tide is going out.  The retreating waves will carry away your fever.  Also your wallet and car keys, if you're not careful.

THE BANK - Boil up a porridge of old mortgage statements, red wine, ink, and a thread from your best tablecloth.  Drop in one overdue library book.  When it has cooled, pour the slurry into a bucket and use it to paint "I HATE BANKS" on your front door.