Mood:
amorousNow Playing: Hymn number 7833291
In one respect, David fans are extremely lucky: We can be fairly sure he'll still be alive when the end credits roll. His characters are remarkably durable. By and large, he's played either good-guy survivors, or the sort of indelible villains who would survive a nuclear blast along with other indestructible creatures such as cockroaches and Keith Richards. Rarely, if ever, does he hand in his lunch pail during a film. And even then, it tends to happen towards the end, so we don't spend an inordinate amount of movie time sulking over the sudden drop-off in hotness. Off the top of my head, I can only think of three on-screen incidents that proved fatal to our Daisy:
1. Gunshot wound
2. Leprosy
3. Neck stab/topple into a well
If David were interested in expanding his death repertoire, there's no shortage of characters with interesting demises to choose from. There's Aeschylus, who got beaned by a tortoise when an eagle mistook his bald head for a rock. George, Duke of Clarence (Edward IV's brother), who was drowned in a butt of malmsey. Jack Daniel (founder of the whiskey distillery), who kicked a safe in anger, injured his toe, and succumbed to blood poisoning. Henry I, who died of a "surfeit of lampreys". (By the way, Surfeit of Lampreys would be an excellent name for a blog, if I were ever to start a real blog, with interesting topics, that people actually read.)
Even Sean Bean has a Death By Cow website, listing an array of spectacular ways in which the British actor has perished on film. Boromir's arrowy death ranks as relatively pedestrian compared to getting crushed by a satellite dish, or getting blown away by Christian Bale while reading Yeats.
Not that I want David to die in films, you understand. It's just that if he does, his demise should be memorable and distinctive, like his craft. Alligator, lightning, errant golf ball -- something along those lines.
And now, because I'm too lazy to split this off into a separate topic, we come to the fun part of today's post: Ethical Dilemmas for David Wenham Fans. Read the scenarios below, and decide what YOU would do in each situation. There are no right or wrong answers.
1. You meet your soulmate: the one person on this earth who completes you. However, there is a catch. Every three months, your soulmate will be horsewhipped in public by a simpering, bowler-hatted English guy with a mustache, unless you agree to take a pill. The pill will cause David to resemble a sweaty slob from a beer commercial, and his performances will seem horrendous. (Only to you; he'll appear normal to everyone else.) Also, the pill causes all music to sound to you as if it were being performed by Alice in Chains. Do you take the pill?
2. David has just wrapped work on a new movie. All reports indicate that this will be his best role ever, guaranteeing him widespread critical acclaim, an Oscar nomination, and unlimited offers for years to come. The role is funny and deep and sad and breathtaking and romantic, and also requires him to spend a fair amount of time shirtless. There's just one catch: the distributor refuses to release the movie unless you agree to have a fiberglass unicorn horn surgically grafted onto your forehead for a period of two weeks. Do you agree to do it?
3. You are standing next to a set of railroad tracks. A little ways down, the tracks branch into a "Y" shape. There is a switch nearby that causes oncoming trains to switch tracks. Father Damien is napping on one branch of the "Y". Doug, Luke, Josh, and Eddie Harnovey are asleep on the other branch. A freight train without brakes is currently bearing down on Doug, Luke, Josh, and Eddie. By taking action and throwing the switch, you can divert the train to the other branch and save the four of them (but then you'll be killing Father Damien). By doing nothing and not throwing the switch, you'll be killing four people (but then you'll be saving Father Damien, and the lives of many leper patients). Do you throw the switch?
4. You are a doctor in a hospital. Doug, Luke, Josh, and Eddie are patients of yours. All four are very ill and need organ transplants. You look outside and see Father Damien strolling down the sidewalk. If you take action and kidnap Father Damien and transplant his organs into the other four, you'd be killing Father Damien, but saving four lives. If you do nothing, Father Damien will live, but the other four will die. How is this any different from problem 3?
5. You are given two boxes. Inside one box is a hamster. Inside the other box is Brett Sprague's blood-stained undershirt. You must select one of these items for your home.
If you choose the hamster, you agree to keep the hamster alive for two years, feeding it daily, giving it clean water, changing its wood chips, etc. If the hamster dies, you will forfeit $999 to the state.
If you choose Brett Sprague's blood-stained undershirt, you must agree to display it prominently in your living room, without commentary, for two years. You are not allowed to tell anybody what it is or why it's on display in your living room. The state will pay you $25 a month if you meet these conditions. Which box do you choose?
6. You are shopping with a heroin junkie who keeps stuffing packets of potato chips into his shorts. If you report him, he'll go back to jail, and neither of you will get square. If you don't report him, the store owner won't be able to afford insulin for his diabetic parakeet. Do you dob him in?
