Mood:
energeticLately, interviewers have been joking with David about his newly acquired fight skills -- "So, do you think you could beat up several menacing thugs in an alley?" "Do you think you could whip Russell Crowe?" -- which I think is absolutely hilarious. That's the classic schoolyard nerd debate, to argue over which superhero would win in a fight. Superman or Blue Lantern? Batman or Aqua Teen? Luke Skywalker or Harry Potter?
It's very tempting to apply this nerdly debate to David's characters. Let's make a few matchups, and ask ourselves:
WHO WOULD WIN?
Sam Flynn vs. Yogi Bear Hey there, Booboo! Yogi is smarter than the average bear, and Sam is smarter than the average park ranger. Unfortunately, Sam Flynn doesn't have the resources to stop Yogi Bear from filching pic-i-nic baskets from tourists. Even though Sam's got a truck, he can't be everywhere at once. Jellystone Park is a huge place. Also, Yogi can violate the laws of physics. We'll have to give this one to Yogi Bear.
Brett Sprague vs. Dr. Phil Can lovable, avuncular Dr. Phil rescue Brett from his darker demons with his homespun, vaguely nonsensical wisdom? "You don't need to feel bad to get all uppity!.....You don't need feelings to wax your elbows!.....You don't need an avocado to buy my book!....You don't need the Power of Cheese to make a coffee table!" Sadly, Brett is beyond the redemptive power of words. Brett wrecks a few chairs, utters several bleeped-out curse words, and leaves. Cut to commerical. Brett Sprague 1, Dr. Phil 0.
Carl vs. "Ring Around The Collar" Ring Around The Collar: man's eternal nemesis, since the dawn of consciousness (or rather, since the dawn of collared goatskin pelts). Often seen with its scheming sidekick, Ring Around The Bathtub. Carl's headgear gadgetry is of no avail here, but his flask of holy water, in combination with a silver chalice of Sanctified Whitening Detergent, vanquishes these enemies instantly. Victory: Carl.
Johnny Spitieri vs. Johnnie Cochran (O.J. Simpson's lawyer)
"If it doesn't fit, you must acquit."
"If what don't fit?"
"It. IT!"
"What about it?"
"If it doesn't make sense, you must find for the defense."
"There you go again, sayin' 'it', when youse don't even know what 'it' is. Your Honor, he's tryin' to verbal me."
"If you don't know what 'it' means, you must improvise more courtroom scenes."
"There you go again, tryin' to confuuuse me. Who's defendin' who here?"
Result: Johnnie Cochran pays for Johnny Spit's lunch.
Murray Whelan vs. A Package Of Baloney "E-Z Open Seal", says the package. "Tear Here" is printed in alluring letters across the top. Murray tugs at the seal with his fingers, then tries with his teeth. The package laughs at his feeble efforts. Murray gets out a butter knife, but the dull blade makes no headway, and he bruises his knuckle on the sink. Then Murray clips off the top of the package with a pair of scissors, only to discover that there's no longer enough purchase to get past the diabolical Zip-Loc Fortress Of Freshness. Grabbing a steak knife, Murray growls in frustration as he stabs and stabs and stabs and stabs. Eventually, he manages to gouge out a piece of baloney the size of a postage stamp, in the process getting blood and divots all over the counter. Verdict: A tie.
