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February 22, 2011
Ubi sunt?
Mood:  spacey

Where now the horse and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing?
Where is the helm and the hauberk, and the bright hair flowing?
And has anyone seen where I put my car keys?
                                            -- Theoden, King of Rohan

Sigh.  Remember?  Remember those long-ago days, when you first discovered David?

Where are they now, those fellow fans you met in chat rooms and Live Journal and Tolkien boards?  The friends you made?  Those early films that you just couldn't wait to get your hands on?  Remember how new and exciting it all was?  Van Helsing was still on the horizon, 300 was just a gleam in Zach Snyder's eye, and you'd never heard of burrowing owls.  East Timor's violent beginnings were unknown to you, as were female popes and orphaned children in Japanese-occupied China.

Every couple of months, there'd be a giddy burst of premiere pictures and interviews, and you'd feast on the spoils.  You watched Basilisk Stare over and over, until it imprinted a permanent ghost image onto your television set (to say nothing of your retinas).  You thrilled to Father Damien's quiet nobility and Josh's brash animal imitations.  You swapped hard-to-find video tapes and old interviews with nice friends from inside the computer.

We were all so young and innocent then, weren't we?

But let's not wallow in sentiment.  What's done is done.  The past is past.  We've got other important business to attend to.  Namely, predicting the future.  Since the present is rather, well, quiescent. 

Unfortunately, I don't have a magic 8 ball handy.  Instead, I've got a better idea.  I'm going to take my iPod, set it to "shuffle", ask it some pertinent questions about David's future career, and interpret the answer from whatever song title appears.  It'll be like a high-tech Oracle of Delphi (sans the CGI goo, the rippling white linen, and the getting licked by creepy priests). 

The iPod is sitting here next to me fully charged, plugged into the future, and waiting for our questions.  So, without further ado, let's light this candle. 

Oh mighty all knowing iPod, spin the Wheel of Destiny and make a selection from the Cosmic Playlist. What will David's next movie be about?

iPod: "She's a Mystery To Me" (Roy Orbison)

Oh, COME ON.  Next.

iPod: "I've Got You Under My Skin" (Frank Sinatra)

That's more like it.  So, this sounds like a film about dermatology.  Or junkies.  Or one of those things where scientists shrink themselves down and travel through someone's bloodstream.

Now, mystical iPod, tell us: what shall be the nature of David's role in this next film?

iPod: "Badge" (Cream)

Ah, yes.  The symbol of the badge portends a sheriff, or a policeman: an authority figure in conflict with the dermatologists. Possibly the name of the group also has significance here.  I see David milking a cow.  If the cream is inside a carton, there will be tea.

O wise and sagacious iPod, where will this movie be filmed?

iPod: "Scotch and Soda" (Kingston Trio)

Scotch...Scotch...yes, yes, that obviously signifies Scotland.  I see evil dermatologists wearing kilts and prowling the moors.  I'm getting a strong aura of Gerard Butler.

Please tell us, small-but-capacious music player: will David's character have a love interest?

iPod: "Haitian Divorce" (Steely Dan).

Mmm-kay.  I guess that would be "no".  Hey, I thought this movie was set in Scotland?  What's this about Haiti?

iPod: "Don't Worry Baby" (Beach Boys)

We'll try not to.  We just need some geographic continuity, is all.

This character of David's, does he die in the movie?

iPod: "Partita in D minor for solo violin" (Bach)

Uh oh.  That sounds sad.  How does he die?

iPod: "Peace Frog" (The Doors)

Death by frogs?  What?

iPod: "I Started A Joke" (Bee Gees)

Oh.  You were kidding? Does that mean he doesn't die?

iPod: "Candy Man" (Sammy Davis Jr.)

MUST you pick the most embarrassing songs?

iPod: "You Have Terrible Taste In Music"

Very funny.

iPod:  "And You Also Have A Mustard Stain On Your Shirt"

That's it.  I'm filling your hard drive with Yanni.

So to sum up:  David's dairy-farming, lovelorn cop feuds with a clan of Highland dermatologists, then splits up with his wife in Port-au-Prince.  Quaker frogs kill him, but (psych!) he isn't really dead, and everyone has a hearty laugh.  Gerard Butler, in a cameo appearance, offers him some candy.  All of this is a mystery to Roy Orbison.

Coming soon to a theater near you!

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 1:30 AM EST
Updated: February 22, 2011 3:52 AM EST
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March 8, 2011 - 4:18 PM EST

Name: "Sarah"

Ay me, where are the squees of yesteryear?

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