Dessicated Coconut

Action Figures


MEMOS from a brainstorming session in the toy marketing department of a large Tolkien-related internet forum:
Dear Santa,

I would like the following action figures for Christmas:

1. Pyre Faramir, with realistic Oily Fever Sheen, blinking eyes, and push-button moans.

2. Ranger Command "Tickle Me" Faramir, with Kung-Fu Grip, leather hauberk, brushable silky hair, and pre-programmed phrases:

"Bind their hands."
"You must come with me. Now."

3. Suicide Mission Faramir, with Squishy Nose Helmet, Flowers, and Terrified Horse.

4. Malibu Dream Faramir, with Corvette, surfboard, pukka-shell necklace, and groovy swim jammies.

5. "Josh" Faramir, with absolutely no accessories at all.

Please? I have been extra specially good this year.


Can I add one to the list? How about Angsty Faramir, with his Ranger outfit, puppy dog eyes, and a mean Steward to yell at him? (Of course, he'd have to be the plush-toy version, because the only way to cheer him up is lots of cuddling...)

Aren't there more? What about a Drinking Buddy Faramir set that includes Boromir, tiny mugs for each of them, and they're both smiling?


Lalaith and SMOR - Yes! Excellent, excellent ideas. Drinking Buddy Faramir and Angtsy Faramir should absolutely be added to the collection.

Drinking Buddy Faramir comes with Scowl-O-Matic Expression Changer, pewter cups, a real keg, and a starter packet of mash with which the kiddies can brew their own Gondorian foam. (Much like an E-Z Bake oven.) Also included is a wall to lean against and a hanky for wiping off Faramir's foam mustache.

Drinking Buddy Boromir comes with flag, volume control, and Crushing Fraternal Bear Hug(tm). Crowd sold separately.

Angsty Faramir cries real tears, but stops when you feed him soup or read him ancient Tengwar limericks.

Angsty Mean Dad comes with assorted chicken scraps, cloven horn, papal ring, and realistic "thwack" sound when hit on the head with a staff.

Ages 3 and up. Small parts and unrelenting male beauty may present a choking hazard.

You know....I don't think I'm helping my case with Santa here.
MiS- you forgot a HoH Faramir! Complete with fever activation button, athelas to make it go away, and an Eowyn to make him happy again.
I wonder if he will be shirtless for part of that scene...
Sounds good to me, SMOR! I love the "fever activation" idea. That's a nice touch.

HoH Faramir also includes an accessory pack (sold separately) with a change of sheets, a brow-dabbing washcloth, Finduilas' Bathrobe, a battery operated mini-fan to make his hair stream out and mingle with HoH Eowyn's, and a...

Wait a minute.


I'm sorry, what was the question again?
Hm, I don't know about a Van Helsing DW action figure. It would probably be bristling with sharp gadgets and weaponry, which would cut me as I tried to exchange its hairdo with Nature-Boy Minstrel Faramir's softly cascading ginger locks. Then there would be an emergency room trip, embarrassing headlines, and a huge class-action lawsuit. Not pretty.

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