Dessicated Coconut

Lord Of The Swoons: Part Two

Part Two: The Two Swooning Threads

Special Appearance by: InnocentEvil

(The camera pans over the Swoony Mountains as we hear voices.)

SUEB: You cannot pass!


SUEB: I am a Swooner of the Red Head, wielder of the Swoon of Gondor! Go back to the Philosophy Forum! The Dark Fire will not avail you, Flame of Whatsitcalled!

(The camera zooms in through the mountains and we see SueB and THE TROY on the Bridge towards the Colony of Molokai.)

SUEB (cont.): YOU… SHALL NOT... SWOON!!!!!

(As THE TROY steps forward, the bridge collapses. SUEB, exhausted, watches THE TROY fall then turns around. She slips and desperately clings onto the bridge.)

LISELLE: SuuuuuueB!!!

SUEB: Faint, you fools!

(SUEB loses her grip.)

LISELLE: Noooooooooooo!!

(We see SUEB and THE TROY plunge into the depths, battling. As the camera pans back they fall into a large cavern. Suddenly, LISELLE wakes from her nightmare.)


SPACEPIRATE: What is it, Liselle?

LISELLE: Nothing. (She lies back down.) Just a dream.

(TITLE: The Two Swooning Threads)



(LISELLE and SPACEPIRATE climb over the rocky terrain of Wenham Mull. Far off in the distance they see the Mountain of Fainting.>

SPACEPIRATE: Bordor. The one place in TORC we don't want to see any closer. It's the one place we're trying to get to. It's just where we can't get. Let's face it, we're lost. I don't
think SueB meant for us to come this way.

LISELLE: SueB didn't mean for a lot of things to happen, Spacepirate. But they did.



(They are sleeping. A dark shape appears on top of a rock. It is the creature DONT_MAKE_IT_STOP.)

DONT_MAKE_IT_STOP: The thieves! The thieves! The filthy little thieves! Where is it? Where isss it? They stole it from us. My preciousss.

(She creeps closer and closer.)

DONT_MAKE_IT_STOP: (cont.) Curse them! We hates them! It's ours, it is... and we wantssss it!

(This awakens SPACEPIRATE and LISELLE. They jump to their feet and struggle. DONT_MAKE_IT_STOP is quickly subdued, wailing loudly.)



(DONT_MAKE_IT_STOP is being dragged with a leash, wailing and protesting clamorously.)

DONT_MAKE_IT_STOP: Nooooo! Not fair! We were NOT off-topic! We just had some nice personal discussions WHILE we were swooning! Not fair! We did swoon! I mean, did you see the drool in that thread? We also had a pretty good fainting rate! WE WERE NOT OFF-TOPIC!!

SPACEPIRATE: Quiet, you!

(She tugs fiercely at the rope, then turns to LISELLE in dismay.)

SPACEPIRATE: It's hopeless! Every Mod in TORC is going to hear this racket! Let's just tie her up in M00bies and leave her there.

DONT_MAKE_IT_STOP: No! They would eat us! And ridicule us! And possibly ban us!

SPACEPIRATE: See if I care!

LISELLE: Hold on, ladies. That's enough.

(She approaches DONT_MAKE_IT_STOP, who tries to back away.)

LISELLE: (cont.) Let's get something straight, alright? DMIS, you need to listen to the Mods, okay? They are good people. Not even the swooniest Swooners can see all ends. Let's be good Swooners, and play along, alright? No more personal chitchat. Let's stick to swooning. And one of these days you'll just have to face the fact that nobody really cares what you are wearing when you post, anyways.

(DONT_MAKE_IT_STOP is sniffling softly.)

LISELLE: (gently) Okay?


LISELLE: I can't hear you, hon.

DONT_MAKE_IT_STOP: (still sniffling) Mr. Wenham's acting performance in the role of "Faramir" is enjoyable. Mr. Wenham's hair is of an unusual and attractive hue. One finds it aesthetically pleasing. One swoons for it.

LISELLE: Atta girl. Now let's go.


LISELLE: To the Boromir thread.


LISELLE: Because that's what the script says.




(Meanwhile, in the Legolas Swooning Thread, SHIELDMATRON stands before a cowering group of teenaged LEGOLASSIES. As she gestures with a slightly warped Sharpe video, ashes drift off the packaging. Her eyes are glittering, consumed with madness. MAKE_IT_STOP stands behind armed with a BoroActionFigure and a thesaurus. FARAWEN is to the left, holding a FaraFigure and a grammar text.)

SHIELDMATRON: Silly little LegoLassies! The threads are SeaChanging! Who now has the eloquence to stand against the many swooners of Boromir and Faramir? To stand against the mighty discourse of shieldmatron and Farawen and the union of the two Brothermirs?

LEGOLASSIE #1: (whispering) Y iz she cumn 2 owR thread?

LEGOLASSIE #2: I dun no. Iz she 4 riil? Duz she want to haf hiz babeez 2?

LEGOLASSIE #1: I don think s0000. but this iz not keeewl at al!l!!!

FARAWEN: The old threads will burn in the articulation of Borobeanies and Fazguls! We will unleash Sharpe satire and the iron fist of proper syntax !

LEGOLASSIE #1: Articu-what? Wotz she tol!kn about?

MAKE_IT_STOP: It will begin in Legoland. Then it will spread to ViggoVale and Merryton. Too long have you stood against us! But NO MORE!

(Brandishing DVDs, Figures and texts, sm, FARAWEN and MAKE_IT_STOP charge towards teeny-boppers, who scream and run helter-skelter out of the LegolasThread. SHIELDMATRON, MAKE_IT_STOP and FARAWEN stay behind, chuckling and giggling.)

SHIELDMATRON: That was fun, wasn't it?

MAKE_IT_STOP: Did you see them run? They were really scared!

FARAWEN: Great way to start the day.

SHIELDMATRON: Alright. Let's get back to our own thread.

(We see them wander off into the distance, with MAKE_IT_STOP singing happily.)

MAKE_IT_STOP: (singing)
Your hand deftly circles,
then hovers and taps,
I let down my Isengard
and fall into your trap.
You enter my Mordor,
and attack my Rohan Gap...
Oh, how I love it
when you look at my map.



(SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN is listening for the sound of footsteps, her ear pressed to the ground.)

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: Their pace has quickened. They must have caught our scent. (She rises.) Hurry!

(LALAITHURWEN comes running up, and turns to call back to TEXAS-HOBBIT.)

LALAITHURWEN: Come on, Texas-hobbit!

TEXAS-HOBBIT: (pauses, huffing) Three days' and nights' pursuit. No pictures of Faramir, no rest, no sign of our quarry but what bare rock can tell. (She runs after her companions.)



(The three are running over many vistas. SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN stops, and picks up SHIELDMATRON's pictures of Faramir from the ground.)

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: Not idly does the Prince of Ithilien fall.

LALAITHURWEN: They may yet swoon for Faramir.

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: Less than a day ahead of us. Come!

(TEXAS-HOBBIT falls out from behind a big rock and rolls down a hill.)

LALAITHURWEN: Come, Texas-hobbit! We are gaining on them!

(TEXAS-HOBBIT struggles to her feet.)

TEXAS-HOBBIT: I am wasted on cross-country! We M00bies-dwellers are natural sprinters. Very dangerous over short distances.



(The three runners struggle through a boulder covered area, and come to a rise that overlooks Australia.)

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: Aussie. Home of the Faramir Swooners. There is something strange at work here. Some evil gives speed to these creatures, and sets its will against us.

(They continue on.)

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: Lalaith, what do your Elf-eyes see?

(LALAITHURWEN peers off into the distance.)

LALAITHURWEN: The Borobeanies turn Northeast. They're taking the Fazguls to Borogard!




(LADY_NIWELLA, SH_WULFF, WILMA, ELFPRINCESSBUTTERCUP and LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR are standing in a circle, looking at a Boromir sig pic they have found in the woods of Fandom Forest. SH_WULFF licks her lips.)

LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR: Focus! Focus!! Do not follow the tricksy Boromirses, or you will go down to join the Shieldmatrons!

SH_WULFF: Surely you would not part an old woman from her gawking pic...?

WILMA: I say let's take the pic with us! When we find a Faramir pic, we could make a Gondor sandwich!

LADY_NIWELLA: Gondor sandwich?!!?

LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR: Looks like somebody discerns from afar the air of Numenor. (She sighs heavily.)



(Crazed BOROMIR SWOONERS are running through a field. PRINCESSFAZ and SHIELDMATRON are being carried by two fangirls on their back. CUT BACK TO the THREE RUNNERS in pursuit, TEXAS-HOBBIT is lagging behind a little.)

TEXAS-HOBBIT: Keep breathing, that’s the key. Breathe. Hoh!

LALAITHURWEN: They run as if the very image of John Rhys-Davies were behind them.



(The BOROMIR FANGIRLS stop, PRINCESSFAZ and SHIELDMATRON are dropped to the ground.)

FANGIRL 1: We’re not going no further ‘til we’ve had a breather!

LEAD FANGIRL: Get the Sharpe videos going!

(The FANGIRLS go onto the internet to start ordering their own copies. We see SHIELDMATRON as she crawls over to PRINCESSFAZ.)

SHIELDMATRON: PrincessFaz? PrincessFaz!

PRINCESSFAZ: I think... we might have made a mistake leaving the Faramir Swooning Thread, Matron.

(Groaning can be heard from the internet as the BOROBEANIES start swooning over their videos, and nearby, from Fandom Forest, a soft rumbling sound.)

SHIELDMATRON: What’s making that noise?

PRINCESSFAZ: It’s the Farawraiths.


PRINCESSFAZ: You remember the old thread, on the borders of Fazzyland? Folks used to say there was something in his pictures that made the Farawraiths grow crazy and quite witty.


PRINCESSFAZ: Fangirls that could swoon, talk to each other, even have intelligent conversations.

FANGIRL 1: I’m starvin’. We ain’t had nothin’ but pictures of Sean Bean for three stinkin’ days.

FANGIRL 2: Yeah, why can’t we have some Faramir? (Looking at PRINCESSFAZ and SHIELDMATRON) What about them? They’re fans of his.

LEAD FANGIRL: They are not entirely loyal.

(The LEAD FANGIRL grabs the two and drags them away from the group of FANGIRLS.)

FANGIRL 3: What about Orlando Bloom? They don’t swoon for him. (glancing at monitor) Ooh, he looks tasty.

(She approaches them, threateningly.)

LEAD FANGIRL: Get back, scum!

(The FANGIRLS yell.)

FANGIRL 2: Load him up. Just a mouthful!

(The FANGIRL raises her keyboard towards the two. The lead FANGIRL cuts off that FANGIRL’s head. It lands on the ground in front of PRINCESSFAZ and SHIELDMATRON.)

LEAD FANGIRL: Looks like swooning’s back on the menu, girls.

(The FANGIRLS yell. PRINCESSFAZ and SHIELDMATRON are pushed out of the way as the FANGIRLS dig in.)

PRINCESSFAZ: Matron, let’s go.

(They crawl off away from the FANGIRLS. The FANGIRL who mentioned Orlando puts her foot on PRINCESSFAZ's back. SHIELDMATRON turns over and lets out a slight yelp in surprise.)

FANGIRL 3: Go on, call for help. Squeal! No one’s gonna save you now.

(The FANGIRL draws her mouse. Suddenly, a monitor goes through the FANGIRLS back; she screams and falls to the side. The rest of the FANGIRLS notice the FARAMIR SWOONERS; they battle.)


(The FARAMIR SWOONERS ride through the BOROMIR FANGIRLS slaughtering them using smiley-faces, clever swoony pics, and witty dialogue exchanges. SHIELDMATRON finds herself under a rearing keyboard.)



(It is early morning. The THREE PURSUERS are seen again.)

LALAITHURWEN: A red sun rises, swooning has been wasted this night.

(SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN bends down looking at the ground. She hears clicking keys and stands up and gestures for the other two to follow her in hiding behind a rock. The FARAMIR SWOONERS ride up over the hill. SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN, seeing who they are, steps out.)

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: (yelling) Swooners of Faramir, what news from TORC?

(They turn around and surround the three, keyboards drawn.)

FARAWEN: What business does an Elf, a shieldmaiden, and a hobbit have in the Faramir thread? Speak quickly!

LALAITHURWEN: (aside to the other two) What's going on here? She knows it us, right?

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: (whispering) Maybe that's supposed to be funny?

TEXAS-HOBBIT: (whispering) Let's just play along, girls. (to FARAWEN) Give me your name, Aussie master, and I shall give you mine.

FARAWEN: I would cut off your head, hobbit, if it stood but a little higher from the ground.

(LALAITHURWEN clicks on her mouse.)

LALAITHURWEN: You would die before your stroke fell.

(The keyboards get closer to LALAITHURWEN, SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN grabs LALAITHURWEN’s arm and pulls it off the mouse-buttons. TEXAS-HOBBIT lets out a sigh of relief.)

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: I am Shieldmaidenofrohan, daughter of Marshmallow, this is Texas-hobbit daughter of Bluebell Hobbit, and Lalaith of the Woodland Realm. We are friends of two part-time Faramir Swooners, and of Faramir, your King.

FARAWEN: Unfaithful Swooners no longer recognize friend from foe. (She removes her helmet.) Not even their fellow Swooners.

(The SWOONERS raise their keyboards.)

FARAWEN: Boromir has poisoned the mind of some Swooners and claimed lordship over their faintings. My company are those loyal to Faramir, and for that we are admired. The tall Englishman is cunning. He walks here and there they say, as a soldier, with tight-pants and a long-sword, and everywhere his spies slip into our thread.

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: We are no spies. We track a party of Borobeanies westward across the plain. They have taken two of our friends captive.

FARAWEN: The Beanies are destroyed, we slaughtered them during the night.

TEXAS-HOBBIT: But there were two Fazguls. Did you see two Fazguls with them?

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: They would be double-minded, slightly disloyal to your eyes.

FARAWEN: We left none alive. We piled the carcasses and burned them.


FARAWEN: (nods) I am sorry.

(LALAITHURWEN puts her hand on TEXAS-HOBBIT’s shoulder in comfort.)

FARAWEN: (whistles) Hasufel, Arod! (Two horses come forward, one sorrel and one white.) May these horses bear you to better fortune than their former masters. Farewell. Look for your friends, but do not trust to hope. It is forsaken in these messageboards. (To the SWOONERS) We ride north!

(The SWOONERS follow FARAWEN, leaving the THREE alone. They ride towards the burning pile of Fangirl carcasses. TEXAS-HOBBIT searches through the smoldering bodies, as SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN and LALAITHURWEN look around for any sign of the TWO FAZGULS. TEXAS-HOBBIT picks up a small Faramir action figure from the pile.)

TEXAS-HOBBIT: It’s one of their wee figures.

LALAITHURWEN: Hiro hyn hdh ab 'wanath. ("May they find peace after death." )

(SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN shouts and kicks one of the Fangirl helmets. She then falls onto her knees and puts her head down.)

TEXAS-HOBBIT: We failed them.

(SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN looks at the ground, and sees tracks.)

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: A Fazgul lay here, and the other.

(QUICK CUT TO: SHIELDMATRON screams as she lies under a rearing Faramir swooner, she moves to the side, barely missing the blow)

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: They crawled. (QUICK CUT TO: SHIELDMATRON is crawling on the ground) Their hands were bound. (QUICK CUT TO: SHIELDMATRON finds a shattered Sharpe video and starts to hack away on her bindings.) Their bonds were cut. (SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN picks up the ropes. QUICK CUT TO: SHIELDMATRON cuts off PRINCESSFAZ's bonds as well. They run back and forth between the fighting SWOONERS and FANGIRLS.) They ran over here. They were followed. (QUICK CUT TO: One of the FANGIRLs grabs onto PRINCESSFAZ's Faramir action figure.)

PRINCESSFAZ: The Josh Figure!

(PRINCESSFAZ releases the figure and the FANGIRL is left with just the action figure in her hand. She scowls and growls.)


SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: The tracks lead away from the battle -


SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: (cont.) - into Fandom Forest.

TEXAS-HOBBIT: Fandom Forest, what madness drove them in there?



(We are in Fandom Forest, PRINCESSFAZ and SHIELDMATRON are running through the computer wires. They lay down in a hole.)

SHIELDMATRON: Did we lose ‘em? I think we lost ‘em.

(The FANGIRL comes through the trees.)

FANGIRL: I’m gonna make you keep swooning for Boromir!

(PRINCESSFAZ and SHIELDMATRON get up and run and hide behind a computer desk)

FANGIRL: Come ‘ere!

(PRINCESSFAZ and SHIELDMATRON run through the maze away from the FANGIRL.)

PRINCESSFAZ: Forums, climb into another forum!

(SHIELDMATRON climbs into the nearest forum, PRINCESSFAZ follows.)

PRINCESSFAZ: She’s gone.

(The FANGIRL grabs PRINCESSFAZ by the ankle and drags her down from the Councils of Manw. The FANGIRL leaps on top of her. PRINCESSFAZ posts a link back at her.)

SHIELDMATRON: PriiincessssFaaaaz!

(SHIELDMATRON looks back at the Councils of Manw, which has now blinked its eyes, then looks away, and does a double take.)


(SHIELDMATRON releases the forum who gives her a stern look, then falls backward. A MODERATOR catches her.)

FANGIRL: Let’s put a Boromir picture in your sig pic!

(The FANGIRL's keyboard is raised, she hears something behind her and looks out of the corner of her eye. Then as she turns to see what it is, the MOD steps on the FANGIRL and squishes her, locking her thread. PRINCESSFAZ gets up.)

SHIELDMATRON: Run, PrincessFaz!

(The MOD takes two steps and picks up PRINCESSFAZ with her other hand.)

MOD: Little Fangirls, bu-la-rum.

SHIELDMATRON: It’s talking, PrincessFaz! The TORC poster is talking.

MOD: Poster?!? I am no poster. I am a Moderator.

PRINCESSFAZ: A TORC herder. A shepherd of the messageboard!

SHIELDMATRON: Don’t talk to it, PrincessFaz, don’t encourage it!

MOD: InnocentEvil some call me.

SHIELDMATRON: And whose side are you on?

INNOCENTEVIL: Side? I am on nobody’s side, because nobody’s on my side, little Fangirl. Nobody cares for the TORC rules anymore.

PRINCESSFAZ: We’re not Fangirls, we’re Fazguls.

INNOCENTEVIL: Fazguls? Never heard of a Fazgul before. Sounds like Fangirl mischief to me.

(She grips PRINCESSFAZand SHIELDMATRON tighter. They squirm.)

INNOCENTEVIL: They come with smileys, they come with net lingo, spamming, swooning, smiling, drooling, posting. Destroyers and usurpers. Curse them!

PRINCESSFAZ: No, you don’t understand. We’re Fazguls, smart swooners, Faramir’s fans.

INNOCENTEVIL: Maybe you are, and maybe you aren’t. The White Wizard will know.

SHIELDMATRON: (whispering) The White Wizard?


SHIELDMATRON: (to PRINCESSFAZ, slightly annoyed) Boromir can't be the White Wizard! He's not white, now is he?

PRINCESSFAZ: Metaphorically speaking, I mean.


PRINCESSFAZ: Look, is there any chance we might save this conversation for a more suitable occasion?

(INNOCENTEVIL drops the two onto the ground. As they look up they see the WHITE WIZARD.)



(Scene goes to the woods, TEXAS-HOBBIT sees black liquid on some leaves. She touches it and then touches it to her mouth. She spits.)

TEXAS-HOBBIT: Fangirl drool.

(The three make their way through Fandom Forest.)

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: These are strange tracks.

TEXAS-HOBBIT: The air is so close in here.

LALAITHURWEN: This forest is old. Very old. Full of memory, and anger. The Elf-fangirls started it. They began waking up the droolers when Legolas came on the screen.

(The Forest groans. TEXAS-HOBBIT picks up her keyboard.)

LALAITHURWEN: The fangirls are speaking to each other.

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: Texas-hobbit! Lower your keyboard.


LALAITHURWEN: SMOR, nad no ennas! ("Something’s out there." )

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: Man cenich? ("What do you see?" )

LALAITHURWEN: The White Wizard approaches.

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: Do not let him speak, he will make us swoon for him. (She draws her keyboard.) We must be quick.

(They all turn to attack, TEXAS-HOBBIT throws her sig pic, which is knocked to the side, LALAITHURWEN looses her mouse, which is also knocked aside. SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN’s keyboard turns orange with heat and she drops it. They shield their eyes from the bright white light that the WIZARD is emitting.)

WHITEWIZARD: You are tracking the footsteps of two young Fazguls.


WHITEWIZARD: They passed this way, day before yesterday. They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: Who are you? Show yourself!

(The light fades and NIMRODELSONG is clearly seen.)


(LALAITHURWEN and TEXAS-HOBBIT look on in amazement, then bow.)

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: You swoon for Orlando.

NIMRODELSONG: Through teeny-boppers, and gushing. On the silliest threads, on the best websites, I swoon for him, the Elf-Prince of Mirkwood.

(Cue classical music.)

NIMRODELSONG: Until at last I threw down my caution and dared to post in the Faramir thread. Laughter took me and I strayed out of thought and time. (A bright light is seen.) The wittiness surrounding me, and every post was as long as a life age on the earth. But it was not the end. I felt Orlando-swooning in me again. (In a flash-back, NIMRODELSONG takes a gasping breath.) I’ve been sent back until my swooning is done.


NIMRODELSONG: Nimrodel? Yes, that was what they used to call me. (SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN nods) Nimrodel the Teal. That was my name.


NIMRODELSONG: I am Nimrodel the White, and I come back to you now at the turn of the tide.



(INNOCENTEVIL is striding along through the threads, gently carrying PRINCESSFAZ and SHIELDMATRON, but also LADY_NIWELLA, SH_WULFF, WILMA, ELFPRINCESSBUTTERCUP and LEGESSA_OF_GONDOR, whom she has picked up along the way.)

INNOCENTEVIL: Ba haa-rrrroooommm! My home lies deep in the threads near the roots of the Forums. I told Nimrodel I would keep you safe and safe is where I will keep you. The Borobeanies have grown wild and dangerous. Obsession festers in their hearts. They will convert you if they can. There are too few of the moderators left now. Too few to manage them.

(SHIELDMATRON and PRINCESSFAZ look at each other, bored. They have an idea - waiting for a suitable moment, they let themselves fall to the ground, unnoticed, and crawl into the thicket.)




NIMRODELSONG: One stage of your journey is over, another begins. We must forum-surf to Adore-as with all speed.

TEXAS-HOBBIT: That is no short distance!

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: We hear of trouble in the Faramir thread. It goes ill with the swooning.

NIMRODELSONG: Yes, and it will not be easily cured. But a thing is about to happen that has not happened since the Elder Days. The Mods are going to wake up ... and find that they are strong.

TEXAS-HOBBIT: Strong?!! (The trees groan.) Oh, that's good.



(In the Faramir swooning thread, the Swooners are indulging themselves in posting links.)

FARAWEN: PrincessFaz, your link doesn't work.

(Crickets chirping.)

FARAWEN: (cont.) Oh, I guess she's gone to get some coffee.


FARAWEN: (cont.) Oh well.


FARAWEN: (cont.) You wonder where she's gone to. Where she came from. And if she was really a coffee-addict at heart. What lies and threats led her on this long march from her home, her own coffee-maker, and her coffee beans. And if she had not rather stayed there. With cream.



(We are in The Golden Hall at Threaduseld.)

DE_LURKER: Shieldmatron and PrincessFaz! Too long have you sat in the shadows staring at the flickering image of Count Vronsky. Now you guys are full of Beans. Hearken to me! I release you... from this spell...

PRINCESSFAZ: (laughing evilly) You have no power here, de_lurker!

DE_LURKER: I will draw you, Boruman, as poison is drawn from a wound!

SHIELDMATRON: Be(h)an is ours!! ACK! Ugh!!

(She stiffens, and Sean Bean slides across the floor behind SHIELDMATRON's chair. Gradually, the color returns to her face, and her skin acquires a dewy freshness normally associated with Bath & Body samplers.)

SHIELDMATRON: I know your face. Spacepirate. SueB. Cressida. (She looks around.) de_lurker?

DE_LURKER: Breathe the free air again, my friend.

SHIELDMATRON: Sharpe have been my dreams of late.

DE_LURKER: Your eyes would remember their strength better, if they woud just gaze at my sig pic.



(The FARAMIR SWOONERS are trapped in the mountain fortress of Wenham's Deep, barricading the doors against the BOROMIR FANGIRLS.)

FARAWEN: (covering her ears) So much screaming. What can women do against such reckless swoons?

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: (pauses) Ride out with me. Ride out and meet them.

FARAWEN: For drool and glory.

SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN: For Faramir. For our people.

SPACEPIRATE: The sun is rising.

MAKE_IT_STOP: (VO) Look to my coming at the first light on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the east.

FARAWEN: Yes. Yes! The horn of Gondor shall sound in the deep one last time!


(She runs and grabs it and starts blowing wildly.)

FARAWEN: Let this be the hour when we draw sig pics together. Fell swoons awake! Now for sighs! Now for drool! And the Red Head!


ALL: Forth Faralingas!

(While fighting the BOROMIR SWOONERS with their witty dialogue, SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN looks up and spots MAKE_IT_STOP at the top of the hill.)


MAKE_IT_STOP: Farawen stands alone.



FARAWEN: Twinky!


(The FARAMIR SWOONERS charge down the hill. Music swells.)

SPACEPIRATE: (to SHIELDMAIDENOFROHAN) Sure took them long enough.

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