Neil Fletcher On Twitter
# Collected 500 gallons of rainwater. Enough to flush the toilet 147
times. I counted.
# Dinner, movie tickets, chloroform....this date with Cath Carney is costing
me a fortune!
# A note from the library complaining about water-damaged books.
Well, obviously I wouldn't take books I *own* into the bathtub.
# The ranch next door has gone bust. I will miss wondering how it stays
@KingCarney: Your egotism reminds me of myself.
# Brushing up on my cursing today. Got a few greeting cards coming up.
# Asked Nullah to sing a Swedish model to me. Ended up with an
Ikea floor lamp. Cheeky little bastard.
# Canadians joining in war effort. Canadians are all right. Their
geese are jerks, though.
# I've decided I need a signature fragrance. Something that captures
the essence of bitter ambition and wasted potential. And lilacs.
# Off to YMCA, to simulate running and Christian principles.
# Who knew? With a little chlorine, your bath water can last all summer.
# I'm home, and by "home" I mean no longer stealing cattle.
# Lady Ashley: I am so over you. Me: Oh, please. You couldn't
get over me with a sherpa.
# If I lived in the northern hemisphere, would I twirl my mustache counter-clockwise?
# Went up to Darwin yesterday arvo. Learned that opium is the opiate
of the masses.
# Winter can be so depressing. When you finally get a slow day, you're
behind on personal hygiene and can't enjoy it.
# If you're happy and you know it....I didn't punch you hard enough.
# Overworked and underdrunk.
# Night's curtain falls and charms my wavering consciousness. Going
out to bash some roos with an empty lager bottle.
# The best part about church is the free breakfast money they pass out on
the little plate.
# Oh gosh, little creamy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to knock you off your tricycle.
Let me hold your ice cream sandwich while you TA TA, SUCKER!!!!
# If you love someone, hold onto them until Stockholm Syndrome kicks in.
# It's Australia Day Eve. I have to leave a jar of Vegemite at
the window. Otherwise Skippy the Bush Kangaroo climbs in and eats you.
# Some blokes are fighting the Japs. Some blokes are fighting
the Germans. I'm fighting Vampire Hitler. HE'S NOT BOTHERING YOU BECAUSE I'M TAKING CARE OF IT.
# I declair twoday too bee Typo Toosday.
# Just between you, me, and the lamppost, I may need new brakes. And
a new lamppost.
# This is one of those days when my thoughts turn to darker things. Such
@drover Your fly is down. Ha! Made you look.
# I bet the town hall meetings in Germany are full of protestors comparing
Hitler to Hitler.
# Dreamt I was doing community service, collecting trash from a gulch in Yulura
and helping grandmas cross the road. WTF kind of dream is that?
# If you're looking at your bum in the mirror while making over-the-shoulder
kissy faces, there is not much you can say if your wife catches you.
# Darwin bombed to rubble yesterday. Now I'll never find out what happened
to that girl who didn't listen, hit her head, and had the weird hallucination about ruby slippers.
# I'm doing manly chores around the station. Like banging on the doohickey
with a wrench, and yelling at that clacky thingie.
# Some half=naked dude is imitating a flamingo up on the water tower.
He's got something in his hand. Looks like a glass tipped spea
<< Return to Humor