(Mar. 21 – Apr. 20) LUKE
Today, your entire emotional range
can be expressed with gunfire, and splattered mud. Just when you think you have a good grasp of what’s going on,
suddenly you’ll be catapulted into a hospital room with a burglar and an old lady. ERROR CORRECTION: Last week,
when we said the color yellow was unlucky for you, what we actually meant to say was “bullets and watermelon”.
Sorry about that.
(Apr. 21 – May 21) CARL
Hell! We told you not to
stick your hand in that viscous material. Dammit. The air around you is thick with envy. On the 19th, the full
moon ushers in a pervasive smell of wet dog.
(May 22 – June 21) JIM DOYLE
It's true: you’re like God, but
with a better haircut. On the 15th, when you accidentally spill Diet Mountain Dew on your keyboard and erase the combined
GDP of the entire Western Hemisphere, don’t come crying to us. We converted our assets to soybeans.
(June 22 – July 22) FARAMIR
This could be a prime week for
job advancement, as long as you manage to avoid the poisoned Southron darts and your co-workers don’t. Your dad
still hates you.
(July 23 – Aug. 22) DIVER DAN
King! King! Meow! You can
be fratchy. You can be fratchy. Your filing skills are at an all-time high. Just for the heck of
it, take off your clothes and run down Main Street in your underwear. Try to include birthday cake in your overall life
(Aug. 23 – Sep. 23) RICHARD SHORKINGHORN
The day started out
promisingly enough, but who could have foreseen the appearance of satanic, axe-wielding chickens?
(Sep. 24 – Oct. 23) JOSH
OK, OK, you can be princess for a
day. One day, you’ll show them all. However, what you show them will not be viewable by those under 18.
(Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) BRETT SPRAGUE
You are a delightful person!
Oh, how I wish I could reach out from this web site and give you a great big bear hug. Then I'd wander into your kitchen
and make you a mug of hot cocoa, or a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade, depending on the season. Next up would
be a foot massage, followed by an hour-long, luxurious avocado facial. Then I'd kill you with my bare hands, smear my
naked body with your blood and disappear back into this website. And no one would ever know who did it.
(Nov. 23 – Dec. 21) JOHNNY SPITIERI
A stranger will pay for
your bus fare today. On Wednesday, you’ll be fatally paralyzed by a choice of three desserts. Around
the same time, you’ll discover that your cool Oriental tattoo actually says “Ask me about my grandchildren”.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 20) MURRAY WHELAN
The stars apologize for
the temporary inconvenience. Your life will shortly resume its chaotic downward spiral. Strangers will persist
in trying to kill you, simply because you make the cutest whimpering and panic noises. On the 11th, you’ll
take a long unromantic journey across -- and into -- a body of water.
(Jan 21. – Feb. 19) AUDREY
Oh, my NERVES. Where did
you get those fabulous shoes?
(Feb. 20 – Mar. 20) BASILISK STARE GUY
Onomatopoeia experts from
around the world will gather to describe the lush sounds of breathing, sniffing, and bead-rattling emanating from your apartment.