Dessicated Coconut

The Rehab Clinic

I found myself one night on my knees in the video store, frantically scrabbling among the nearly empty shelves. The only thing left was "Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course". I knew then and there that I'd hit bottom.
-- Maxine T., recovering David addict's come to this, has it? You're addicted. You're desperate. You're jonesing.  The house is a wreck.  Your boss is threatening to fire you.  You've alienated all your friends and family.  Your bank account is rapidly draining. With the street value of pure Region 1 David Wenham product at $5000 an ounce and climbing, you've had to resort to extreme measures to support your habit.
Freedaving. Oz-lining. Ginger huffing. "Dust". It goes by many names. Whatever you may call it, it's risky, it's antisocial, and it's illegal in most parts of the world.  (Except yours.)

Asking for help is the first step on the crucial road to recovery. If you or someone you know needs help kicking their David Wenham addiction, contact us for a confidential assessment with a trained counselor. The first step is to safely detoxify and stabilize the patient. Our patented "Patch" and "Methadone" programs boast a phenomenal success rate.  Through daily medication, group counseling, and random testing, over 90% of our patients are helped off the couch and transitioned back onto the streets as productive members of society.  Ask your physician if one of the regimes below is right for you.

The Patch

A graduated, step-down program. Each week, a slightly milder dosage of red, sticky-uppy hair is applied. As the patient graduates to progressively less mood-altering actors, he or she is gradually weaned off David. This provides a gentler transition to the "cold turkey" stage.


Step 1: Seth Green



Step 2: Clay Aiken


Step 3: The bully from "A Christmas Story"


Step 4: Heat Miser

The Methadone Clinic

A safe, medically approved, prescription actor is substituted for David. This program must be completed under the close supervision of a physician.


Robert Redford



David Duchovny


Richard Gere


Bruce Boxleitner


The Kid Who Played Ben On "The Waltons"

Aversion Therapy

Orderlies dressed as Doug flick cigarette ashes at the patient.  Staff nurses read Gimli/Theoden/Faramir slash fiction aloud.  Dirty Josh socks litter the floor.  Freezing holy-water baths.  Eowyn's stew and Cyn's tea at every meal.  Over time, patients learn to associate negative events with David, and their cravings gradually disappear.


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