Prof. Tolkien is in his heavenly garden, watering the plants.
God: Professor – do you have a moment?
JRR: Certainly big
man. What can I do for you?
God: There is a problem on earth – much disquiet
and discontent. We may have to send you back.
JRR: Send me back??? No way.
I don’t want to leave here…this is my idea of heaven.
JRR: Ah yes. Well spotted. So what on earth do you want me
to do. (Nudges God). Did you like the play on words there?
God: Very good – you’ve obviously still got it – which is a good thing. Well we may be able
to send someone with it in your stead……but first, we have a mission for you. Now, sit down John, I need to tell
JRR: I don’t like the sound of this….
God: We’ve been trying to keep this from you, but a situation has developed where discretion
is no longer a good idea….
JRR: Maybe you could get to the point. You're
making me nervous.
God: Yes – sorry. Well, as you know, you are very
much loved and appreciated here. Your book, Lord of the Rings, such a potent force in the portrayal of good against evil.
JRR: (suspiciously) Yes…..
God: Well, back down there – there’s no easy way to say this – they made
it into a film!
Well actually, it was quite a good job – apart from a few minor discrepancies……
JRR: Such as?
God: Just small things…….like Arwen
saving Frodo at the ford…..
JRR: Arwen??? Arwen was there with Glorfindel?
JRR: (sighs). And what other “discrepancies”?
nothing really significant (speaks quickly). Famirtritakringfromfrodo.
JRR: Sorry? Can you repeat that – no, slower!
Faramir tries to take the ring from Frodo.
JRR: You’re right…I
need to sit down. (Staggers to bench)
Faramir! But Faramir wouldn’t do that…that was the whole point! Faramir was good and kind, noble and brave,
pure in spirit….Faramir was most like me. So you want me to put this right –
to make him loved again?
God: Well not exactly. He is loved…..
JRR: He is??
God: Oh yes. He didn’t
take the ring you see. He only wanted to impress his father, who was such a bully, and had abused him as a child.
JRR: He did? I don’t remember that…..
Well to be fair, they didn’t go that far in the film. That’s in the fan fiction.
JRR: The what??
God: Fan fiction. Generally an army of women who
fill in the bits you left out.
JRR: You say Faramir is loved?
God: Oh yes. Most definitely. There are a few stragglers who cling to the original, but in
the main, women are very taken with the pouting trembly lip, the huge blue eyes….
God: The fluffy waves of fair hair…..
JRR: FAIR??? It’s even worse than I thought…
God: (To himself). Best not to mention that he’s Australian….
JRR: You’re right. I have to do something – to right this grievous
wrong. I know. I’ll get something written up to say it must never be filmed, then leave it where it will be found. We
can’t undo it, but it can be banned.
God: Well that wasn’t what
I had in mind. These women…..they are, shall we say, fanatical. If you get this film banned, there’s no telling
what they might do. They may do harm to others – or even themselves.
So what did you have in mind?
God: They must be appeased. Every day their numbers
grow larger and their need gets stronger.
JRR: And this, for a mere fictional
God: That’s good John! I haven’t seen that one yet –
amereamir – but no, it’s not just the character, but the actor also.
The blond blue-eyed one…
God: Yes – though he’s more of a
red-head in truth, and he has a very worrying effect on the swooners – women who were once as normal and sane as you
JRR: I might swoon myself in a minute……so he’s either
blond or a ginger (hard “g” in both cases) – but not raven haired?
shakes his head.
JRR: Not even the teensiest bit? How can he be like
God: Well he looks like Boromir…
JRR: Don’t tell me – he’s fair-haired too.
yes, but what’s done is done! John, we have to save these women. You have to plug the gaps. They need to know more about
Faramir’s childhood – his relationship with his brother and his father, his first kiss – all that kind of
stuff. Things that, well quite frankly, things you shouldn’t have omitted in the first place.
JRR: OK, OK! Get me pen and paper. I’ll start now.
Good man! (He starts to leave, then turns round). Oh, and make it angsty. They love angst. A dangerous illness in childhood
perhaps – captured by orcs – you might even consider making him the illegitimate son of Aragorn, which could answer
a lot of questions – oh, and they do like his relationship with the hobbit.
God: No, the little Scottish one. (Leaves
JRR: Scottish??? Did you say Scottish………………..