Mind control
Mood:  spacey

The other day, I was at the drugstore in the "First Aid & Stationery" aisle, browsing Band-Aids, when the woman standing next to me accused me of blocking her thoughts with my wallet.

Afterwards, when I thought about it, it reminded me of the street person who walked up to David and accused him of stealing his persona for Johnny Spitieri in Gettin' Square.  People really do say the most unusual things.

She had been standing there muttering angrily to herself for a minute or two.  Thinking she was having trouble finding envelopes, I turned to her to ask if she needed help, and discovered she was glaring at me.

"If I was to call someone over here RIGHT NOW, they'd find that you was committing a crime," she said accusingly.

"Excuse me?" I said.

"You heard me, stupid person.  You got all that stuff in your pockets, blocking people's thoughts.  Blocking people's thoughts with your wallet.  Making it so they can't see anything or move around.  But I'm on to you.  I know what you're trying to do."

Now, people often find themselves feeling confused when they talk to me, but I never knew it had anything to do with the contents of my pockets.  Have I had superhuman mind-clouding powers all these years that I haven't been taking advantage of?  Does lip balm acquire telekinetic properties when placed inside my jacket?  Are the coins in my wallet being controlled remotely by a CIA satellite?  (There was a news item recently that some Canadian coins have been found with spy devices inside.  We do get a lot of Canadian money floating around here, being so close to Quebec.)

Not being fluent in Ninth-Dimension Speak, and fearing imminent physical harm, I excused myself and vacated the scene quickly, before my pockets could cause her any more mental distress.  Behind me, she continued ranting: "Of COURSE you'd pretend not to understand!  That's the kind of stupid thing that stupid people like you ALWAYS do!"  etc.

My friend Dan was amused by the mildness of the insult "stupid person".  Obviously, her mind had been bamboozled by my collection of defunct sandwich-shop cards, and she couldn't think of any worse insults.

So the question is, who would win in a courtroom?  Her, or Johnny Spit?