David Wenham movies are like comets.  They come around periodically, shine very brightly, and then recede into the farthest reaches of the solar system.  Only the most dedicated fan/astronomer can spot one coming.  In ancient times, they were thought to portend mass outbreaks of delirium.

In honor of Australia Day (upcoming), we devote this small space to Comet McNaught, which was discovered last summer by an Australian astronomer and is currently putting on quite a show in the southern hemisphere.  By many accounts, it's one of the brightest comets in the last half-century.

In the northern hemisphere, it was visible only for a few days.  I caught it last week just after sunset, with a pair of binoculars (after staring at a jet contrail for five minutes, thinking that was the comet).  McNaught is pretty, with a graceful curving tail, and it should remain visible south of the equator for the next week or two.

How come Australians get all the comets AND all the David movies? *mutter* *mutter*

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 11:50 PM EST

Updated: January 21, 2007 12:27 AM EST

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Mood:  spacey

The other day, I was at the drugstore in the "First Aid & Stationery" aisle, browsing Band-Aids, when the woman standing next to me accused me of blocking her thoughts with my wallet.

Afterwards, when I thought about it, it reminded me of the street person who walked up to David and accused him of stealing his persona for Johnny Spitieri in Gettin' Square.  People really do say the most unusual things.

She had been standing there muttering angrily to herself for a minute or two.  Thinking she was having trouble finding envelopes, I turned to her to ask if she needed help, and discovered she was glaring at me.

"If I was to call someone over here RIGHT NOW, they'd find that you was committing a crime," she said accusingly.

"Excuse me?" I said.

"You heard me, stupid person.  You got all that stuff in your pockets, blocking people's thoughts.  Blocking people's thoughts with your wallet.  Making it so they can't see anything or move around.  But I'm on to you.  I know what you're trying to do."

Now, people often find themselves feeling confused when they talk to me, but I never knew it had anything to do with the contents of my pockets.  Have I had superhuman mind-clouding powers all these years that I haven't been taking advantage of?  Does lip balm acquire telekinetic properties when placed inside my jacket?  Are the coins in my wallet being controlled remotely by a CIA satellite?  (There was a news item recently that some Canadian coins have been found with spy devices inside.  We do get a lot of Canadian money floating around here, being so close to Quebec.)

Not being fluent in Ninth-Dimension Speak, and fearing imminent physical harm, I excused myself and vacated the scene quickly, before my pockets could cause her any more mental distress.  Behind me, she continued ranting: "Of COURSE you'd pretend not to understand!  That's the kind of stupid thing that stupid people like you ALWAYS do!"  etc.

My friend Dan was amused by the mildness of the insult "stupid person".  Obviously, her mind had been bamboozled by my collection of defunct sandwich-shop cards, and she couldn't think of any worse insults.

So the question is, who would win in a courtroom?  Her, or Johnny Spit?

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 10:38 AM EST

Updated: January 12, 2007 11:25 AM EST

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Months before the release of 300, the internet discussion boards are all abuzz with controversy over historical inaccuracies in the film.

As many people have rightly pointed out, it's a silly debate - the movie is based on a comic book, NOT on actual history.   '300' is a recreation of a graphic interpretation of a historic event.  It's not even a factual, omniscient retelling.  Both book and movie are framed by an unseen narrator (possibly Dilios, recapping the story several months later at a war council?), who isn't shy about taking dramatic liberties with the plot in order to fire up the listener's imagination.

In the film, Dilios' narration receives greater emphasis.  Zach Snyder wanted to demonstrate that the surreal Frank Miller world of 300 was the result of artistic license in Dilios' retelling of the story.  All oral story forms exaggerate in order to heighten the drama.  The storytelling tradition of Herodotus and the ancient Spartans was especially rich in oracle, epigram, and visual detail.  So it's perfectly plausible that through Dilios' eyes (or eye, rather), the battle at the Hot Gates becomes a heroic fantasy saga peopled with orcs and rhinos and hookers and hunchbacks.

Of course, inventing creatures and inserting them into the story isn't just a rhetorical device.  Dehumanizing the enemy and portraying them as hellish monsters is a time-honored military tradition which not only elevates your own side's heroism and moral legitimacy, but also justifies killing total strangers.  Wiping out a bunch of conscripted slaves isn't that exciting, but if they're seven feet tall and wearing metal masks and accompanied by screaming banshees and hulking black animals, now you're talking real save-the-world heroics.

So if Dilios is in charge of interpreting the story for us, there's yet another reason not to hold '300' to a rigorous historical standard.   It also suggests that either Dilios has quite an interesting imagination, or he's been inhaling Delphic oracle vapors.  Yes, the Spartans weighed 400 pounds and had flying robot cheetahs with laser beams shooting out of their nostrils!  And then there was a huge earthquake and we were attacked by demon monkey spirits from the underworld!  I turned invisible and learned Ghost Kung Fu in thirty seconds!  It was totally awesome!

As for the costumes, or lack of, there's been lots of grumbling among purists regarding the teeny leather Speedos.  It is true that Spartans trained in the nude, and wore heavy armor into battle.  Frank Miller's interpretation was heavily influenced by depictions of ancient Greek warriors on urns and classical art which glorified the male body.  See, for example, Jacques-Louis David's 1814 painting "Leonidas at Thermopylae", which I would post here, except that disk space is running low at the moment.

It is also true that Sparta was a very physical culture which placed a great deal of emphasis on athletics, fitness, gymnastics, and dancing, over more cerebral pursuits like music and literature.  Discipline was rigorous and corporeal.  There were competitions to see who could take the most severe flogging, an ordeal known as diamastigosis.

In that respect, Frank Miller's novel accurately captures the unforgiving physical essence of Spartan culture.  Under Leonidas' command, captains push their subordinates to the limits of pain, and harsh punishments are routinely meted out for minor displays of weakness or rebellion.  Somehow, clothing and armor seems out of place in such a bare and brutal environment.

Far be it from me to complain about Frank Miller's artistic depiction of the Spartans.   Accuracy, schmaccuracy.  I'm perfectly comfy with the idea of nearly-nakey men marching into battle dressed like Ian Thorpe. 

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 10:36 AM EST

Updated: January 8, 2007 12:21 PM EST

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Mood:  special

Today's fun Internet toy:  www.faceanalyzer.com.

Here, you can plug in a photo of yourself (or your favorite red-headed Aussie actor).  The biometric software will measure and analyze your facial features, then rate you on a variety of traits: race, income, intelligence, sociability, gayness.  Also, they'll tell you who your closest "celebrity match" is.

First, I submitted a screen cap of Josh from BTS, grabbed at random off the internet.  Faceanalyzer.com decided Josh's ancestry was half Eastern European and half Anglo/Saxon.  His income and sociability were rated very high and he was labelled an "Alpha Charmer".  Strangely enough, his promiscuity fell on the "very low" end of the scale.  (Well, he *was* faithful to Cyn for the entire three days.  As far as we know.)

I was hoping David would get "celebrity matched" with himself, but Faceanalyzer decided Josh's nearest Celebrity Match was Prince William.  Hm...yeah.  I could see that.

Next, I fed in a picture of Johnny Spitieri.  The Analyze-o-Matic guessed that Spit was a 100% Korean/Japanese academic, with a high income.  Johnny's Celebrity Match was Quentin Tarantino.  Ho ho ho.

Finally, I tried it out on my own face.  Faceanalyzer.com guessed my ethnicity as 30% Middle Eastern, 60% Southern European, and 10% East Indian (wrong!  wrong!  wrong!), rated me as averagely intelligent and not-very-gay, and said my closest celebrity facial matches were Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, apparently based on the fact that all three of us possess faces.

So if nothing else, this site is good for a few laughs.

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 2:06 PM EST

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Mood:  lazy

Yahoo! Answers currently has two questions on the subject of David:

1.  Does anyone think David Wenham as Faramir in Lotr is Hot?

(Captain Obvious replies:  well, DUH!!!)

2.  Do you think David Wenham is a better comedy actor or drama actor?

Ahh, now that's an interesting topic for debate.  I've always thought David has a huge and as-yet untapped potential for comedy.  His best comedic roles to date have been sidekicks (Carl) or supporting characters (Johnny Spit, Doug from 'Cosi').  He's an astute observer of human foibles, and it's clear that he relishes the opportunity to play quirky roles.  Comedy requires excellent timing, restraint, and an eye for communicating absurdity, all of which David has.  Sometimes, his posture or facial expression alone can make you laugh.  I always love the look of total bewilderment that creeps across Josh's face when the taxi driver is lecturing him the morning after his first night with Cyn.

His delivery can also crack you up, even with short, throwaway one-word lines.  Two of my favorite little moments are a hung-over Richard Shorkinghorn mumbling "Greeeat" into his pillow when informed that the guests will soon be there for lunch, and Ian calling out "Okayyy!" to announce that he's all done with...um...donating.  The intonation is just hilarious.

On the other hand, David's performances can also cut you to the soul and make you cry (Faramir, Father Damien, Mark Waldman).  So I don't think there really is a definitive answer to this question.  It's like asking "Is it hotter in Boston or July?"

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 9:46 AM EST

Updated: January 5, 2007 2:44 PM EST

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Mood:  caffeinated

As we eagerly await news of David's next film, TV, or stage role, let's see if we can use the process of elimination to narrow down the possibilities.  Here is a list of movies that David won't be appearing in in 2007.

Sonic Raptor

Hamlet 2

Plastic Bag Caught In An Updraft

Bad Cop! No Donut!

Internet Message Boards: The Movie

The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill And Came Down A Mountain And Went Over Another Hill And Then Walked Over Three More Mountains And Past A Lake Till He Came To A Pub And Went In And Had A Few Guinnesses And His Wife Is Still Wondering Where He Went

Squidzapoppin!

Leprechaun 8: Straight To Video

The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down Under 50 Miles An Hour Or It Would Explode

Zeus vs. The Care Bears

...

See?  Already it's easier to guess where we'll be seeing David next.

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 12:35 PM EST

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Things that warm a David fan's heart:  At Best Buy in Dover, Delaware last week,"The Proposition" was being featured prominently in the DVD section.  Actually, it was on the bottom shelf with the other "P" westerns, but they had shelved it with the cover facing outwards instead of the spine.  So I swapped it with "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid", thus messing up their alphabetical scheme.  But it was for a good cause.  (Sorry, Robert Redford.)

With the recent passing of former President Gerald Ford, one wonders whether David would ever be tempted to someday tackle the lead role in a biopic.  Ford was a rather endearing ginger-haired president who toasted his own English muffins and had a reputation (somewhat undeserved) for pratfalls and general clumsiness, which got him mercilessly lampooned on Saturday Night Live.  In many respects, he was the Murray Whelan of politicians.  Genial and bland, an accidental leader, he healed the lingering wounds of Watergate and Vietnam.  I'm not sure the part would be something David would relish, though.  He'd have to shave most of his head, adopt an American accent, and pardon Richard Nixon.  On the other hand, he'd get to play football.

If David takes a pass, then I'm sure Ron Howard would be interested.

True story:  I rented "Cosi" a couple of years ago, because I knew David was in it.  I watched, and waited, and watched.  About halfway through the movie, I thought to myself "Well, no sign of David yet.  But that red-headed guy who plays Doug is outstanding."

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 5:32 PM EST

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Mood:  spacey

According to Tripod, this blog is rapidly running out of disk space.  Therefore, I'm going to start pruning older photos and general stupidity out of here.  And replacing it with newer photos and general stupidity.

It's been brought to my attention by the Blog Police that every personal blog must include at least one of those "meme" questionnaires, such as "Bold the names of celebrities you'd shag", followed by a list of 400 actors you've never heard of.  Apparently, I've been negligent in complying with the rules.  So here goes.

1.  What color are your bed sheets?

Clear.

2. Would you rather die in a blaze of glory, or peacefully in your sleep?

In a blaze of peaceful, glorious sleep.

3.  Coffee or tea?

Precious, life-giving Poland Spring cranberry-lime seltzer.

Or water.  I'm easy.

4.  What are you thinking right now?

Where have all the flowers gone?

5.  Ever been hit on in a zoo?

I was inappropriately touched while getting a photo with "Shamu" at Sea World when I was 16.  Does that count?

Does getting into a fight near the oryx exhibit at the Cairo Zoo with a future boyfriend count?

This question is very ambiguously worded.  Not to mention, weird.  Who goes to a zoo to hook up?

6.  Ever won a spelling bee?

People who spell "desiccated" with two s's don't get very far in spelling bees.  Sad, but true.

7.  Where were you when 9-11 happened?

In a "new employee" training session for my current job.  We were all sent home at noon.  To this day, I still haven't learned how the phones work.

8.  Have you ever taken a bong hit?

Yes.  And then I hit the bong right back.  Sometimes you have to show it who's boss.

9.  Have you ever had sex with a total stranger?

No.  Only partial strangers.

10.  Do you wear a lot of black?

Nope.  Black is depressing, and doesn't match my eyes (except for the little black dot in the center.)  In fact, I don't think I own anything black.

11.  Did you ever go to Sunday school?

Throughout my entire youth.  In spite of that, somehow I managed to weasel out of confirmation.  That was one of the fringe benefits of being the youngest child.   My parents had gotten very laissez-faire about religious education by the time I came along.  (Or I should say, my mom...my dad permanently renounced Catholicism at age six, on the day his mother died.)

12.  What zodiac sign are you?

"Pinchy, the Crustacean".  Everybody born in this month tastes good on rolls with mayonnaise.  We also have a tendency to scuttle sideways when you shine a flashlight on us.

Actually - and this is an interesting phenomenon - an unusual number of David fans that I've met on the boards have July birthdays: Nenya, RedQueen, meaningofhaste, dragonfly, celebne, de_lurker/binky, Angelina, faramirslover.  Coincidence?  Astrology?  I must ask my hairdresser about this.

13. Ever been in love?

Oh yes.  Quite a few times.

14. Dream job?

I have several:

A) Shepherd

B) Advice columnist

C) Owner of a polygraph lie detector agency called "PANTS ON FIRE"

15. Favorite channels?

I get 7 channels on my home cable, 3 of which are home shopping networks.  None of them are really favorites, except for the one that shows "Seinfeld" reruns.

When I'm at someone else's house, I like to watch The Daily Show, Animal Planet, and the History Channel.

16. Ever had a crush on a cartoon character?

Not really.  Those rumors about me and Tinky Winky are totally unfounded.  (Too much "winky", not enough "tinky", if you know what I mean.)

I do have a small thing for the constellation Orion, however.  That is one hunky cluster of stars.

17. Showers or baths?

Definitely showers.  I have a horrible, medieval bathtub that no one in their right mind would want to sit in.

18. What are your phobias?

Snakes and tornadoes.

19. Are you paranoid?

Waaaait a minute.... You're one of "them", aren't you?

20. Are you impa -

No,whydoyouask?

20. - tient?

21. What's your life motto?

"Emancipate yourself from mental slavery.  None but ourselves can free our minds." -- Bob Marley

22. What time did you wake up today?

4:31, 5:02, 5:13, 5:20, 5:48, and 5:56 am.  (The cat wanted breakfast, or attention, or something.)

23. Current worry?

Peak oil, geopolitics, the worldwide rise of religious fundamentalism, economic justice, and whether they're going to kill off Sawyer on "Lost".

24. Where would you like to travel?

Someplace tropical, like Hawaii or the Caribbean, where I can shed all these thick gloves and sweaters and boots and run barefoot on the sand.  I'd also like to visit Greece, Scandinavia, Australia, New Zealand, and Costa Rica.

25. What did you have for dinner last night?

Brown rice, broccoli, onion and tofu stir-fry, with a Christmas cookie chaser.  Yum!

26.  Does your mom think someone is hot?

Yep.  She likes her some Sean Bean and Steven Segal.

For what it's worth, she describes David as "very winning".

27. Favorite Christmas rap song?

"Chestnuts Roasting As I Open Fire"

28.  Have you ever started to fill out a survey and then thought "This is stupid" and stop without finishing it?

...

29.

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 1:02 PM EST

Updated: December 21, 2006 3:56 PM EST

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The recent departure of Greg Page (The Yellow Wiggle) from the hugely popular children's group The Wiggles sent a shock wave around the world.  Page, diagnosed with orthostatic intolerance, announced his retirement in order to focus on his health.  He's since been replaced by his understudy, Sam Moran.

This would have been the perfect opportunity to expand the group's diversity beyond the standard red, yellow, blue, and purple -- primary colors that, by dint of being given preferential, majoritarian status, exclude other ways of being.  Other hues and adjectives are woefully underrepresented in the group.  David himself once joked that he aspired to be the Evil Wiggle.  Why not expand the group to include other types of Wiggles?

1.  Soaking Wet Wiggle

2.  Mullet Wiggle

3.  Imperiled Wiggle

 4.  Lei Dude Wiggle

5.  Humungous Sweater Wiggle

6.  Wig Wiggle

7.  Captain Featherwhip

Okay, okay, I admit it.  I just wanted an excuse to post a bunch of photos of David.

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 10:15 AM EST

Updated: December 14, 2006 10:52 AM EST

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Mood:  accident prone

My cyber-twin Pengwyn recently commented on how strange the acting profession is, when you compare it to other jobs.  Few other jobs require you to alter your appearance, mannerisms, and voice every few months.  As Pen commented, poets aren't told they have to grow a beard or dye their hair in order to compose verse.  They don't have to fly to Prague, write two lines, then fly to a studio in LA six months later to write two more lines that take place earlier in the poem.  Plumbers aren't told they're too thin or too old or too ethnic for the part.  Teachers don't have to adopt a Russian accent for the fall semester and a Canadian accent for the spring semester.  My job description doesn't say "must resemble Sean Bean".

Acting might not be steady work, but it certainly isn't monotonous.  I think it would be interesting if accountants had to get their ears pierced in order to get a promotion, and nurses had to learn how to use a bow and arrow.

While we're on the subject of work, here's a small piece of advice:  never medicate a cat on the morning of your annual performance review.

Midway through the meeting, my boss got an odd look on her face and said "What is that?"  I looked down, and found an antibiotic pill stuck to my shirt pocket.  The cat had coughed it up surreptitiously while I was busy praising him for being a good boy about swallowing his pill.  Apparently I had spent the entire morning prominently sporting the yellow and white capsule. 

We agreed that one of my "2007 Goals & Objectives" would be not to walk around with pharmaceuticals stuck to my shirt.

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 1:48 PM EST

Updated: December 12, 2006 2:33 PM EST

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