Slow news day
Mood:  lazy

Some headlines you may have missed: 

ONE-EYED SPARTAN ASSISTS LOCAL WOMAN WITH STUCK PICKLE JAR Crimped Metal Lid No Match For 190 Lbs. Of Ripped Greek Fury

JOHN O'BRIEN TAKES SECOND PLACE AT NATIONAL CHARADES CHAMPIONSHIPS  Loses When Teammates Fixate On "Road To Maracas"

POPE JOAN EXPECTED TO EASILY FEND OFF OTHER ECCLESIASTICAL GENDER-BENDING FILMS AT BOX OFFICE  Femalekai: The Story Of Mother Damien May Not Do As Well As Producers Thought

NEIL FLETCHER CAUGHT KNITTING  Secret Blackmail Photos! 

MYSTERIOUS NEW SYNDROME: RAW CHAFED SPOT BETWEEN FIRST AND SECOND TOE CAUSED BY SPRINTING IN RUBBER FLIP-FLOPS, NICKNAMED "SPIT SPOT" BY DOCTORS   Patients Advised To Take Bus Instead

HELL EVICTS JERRY SPRINGER Talk Show Host Deemed "Too Sleazy" For Eternal Pit Of Torment