Why I'm Not On Twitter
Mood:  suave

One of the qualities that I most admire about David Wenham is his ability to avoid gaffes in interviews.  On video and in print, he comes across as mature, confident, and very well-spoken.  Some of this, I suppose, comes with years of practice handling press conferences, Q&As, and interviews, but you really can't fake menschiness (for lack of a better word). He always answers questions thoughtfully and to the point, with just the right touch of personal wit (I love, for example, his post-300 comment: "I'm up to seven cheat days a week").  When it comes to other actors and directors, he's unfailingly gracious, praising their good points without being gushy.  He isn't prone to ghastly career-killing oopsies, like Holocaust denial, beating hotel clerks with phones, or plying minors with rum and quaaludes.  Nor does he say ditzy things like "I've been noticing gravity since I was very young."

I say this because for some reason, I've had several encounters with gaffes the last couple of weeks.  I have this theory about gaffes.  You see, thoughts are like the inmates of a mental hospital, constantly plotting to escape.  We all have weird, dark, or inappropriate thoughts from time to time.  But most people also have a desk person sitting at the front of their brain, whose job it is to prevent the more alarming inmates from escaping into the outside world, and to only allow the sane, socially acceptable thoughts out.  And most of the time, that desk person does a good job.

But every once in awhile, the Desk Person gets distracted and starts reading the newspaper, or doing her nails.  Then an inmate slips past and escapes into the outside world, and voila: a gaffe.  You probably know people who don't have any sort of Desk Person at all.  Every thought that bubbles up into their mind is immediately voiced, regardless of how inappropriate it might be.  "Wow, you look sallow today," they'll say. "Did I tell you my episiotomy tore?  Yeah, turns out our sex swing is only rated for 300 pounds.  By the way, I saw a cow once."

My Desk Person isn't that bad, but she does nod off a lot.  Luckily, the inmates of my asylum aren't mean, evil, or vicious.  They're more of the non sequitur variety.  You know, the kind of dumb things you blurt out privately to someone at a party just as one of those random conversational hushes falls over the entire room.

For example:  Last week at a work meeting I brought up a concern to the engineering team about our software product's Excel add-in.  The add-in was allowing access to custom financial formulas developed by one of our clients.  The formulas are proprietary, and our client doesn't want other companies to see them.

"Oh," said the development manager, "well, that's not a big deal.  They'd have to know what the formula was and actually type it in."

At this moment, my Desk Person apparently got up and went for coffee.

"Not a big deal?" I blurted.  "Someone could still stumble across it by mistake.  Supposing a monkey happens to get loose in their office?  And starts randomly banging away on a keyboard?  And it somehow accidentally opens Excel, and by pure chance types one of the formulas?  And then the client sues us, and the monkey gets sent back to the zoo, and it never gets the opportunity to write Hamlet?"

This was the team's response: 

*crickets* *crickets* *crickets*

And then, the grownups resumed talking.

This is why I'm not on Twitter.  Because Twitter is dangerous for people with lunatic thoughts and a faulty Desk Person.  Dark impulses go from your brain straight to the internet and stay there forever.  140 characters is just exactly the right length for embarrassing outbursts.  These things go on your permanent record, you know.

The past couple of weeks alone, we've had several Twitter gaffes from politicians.  Senator Chuck Grassley, channeling his inner 13-year-old girl, sent out this tweet during Obama's visit to Paris:

Pres Obama while u sightseeing in Paris u said 'time to delivr on healthcare' When you are a 'hammer' u think evrything is NAIL I'm no NAIL

ZOMG, Senator!!!11oneone  You mean he's not your BFF?

Then Rep. Pete Hoekstra of Michigan issued this melodramatic tweet:

Iranian twitter activity similar to what we did in House last year when Republicans were shut down in the house

In other words, when Nancy Pelosi blocked that energy bill last fall, it was just like the violence, suffering, and massive civil unrest sparked by the Iranian elections!

It's like saying:

Had to wait in line for 5 minutes to buy coffee today.  Now I know how East Timor citizens felt when they voted.

Stubbed my thumb on the door latch this morning.  Reminded me of Faramir getting shot by arrows and dragged by a horse and set on fire.

I finally beat my husband at Scrabble.  It was just like the Spartans at Thermopylae.

And finally, GOP operative Mark Green shared this delightful uncensored thought with the world:

JUST HEARD OBAMA IS GOING TO IMPOSE A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN BECAUSE IT'S WHITE AND IT WORKS

Let's face it, politicians shouldn't be allowed near social networking technology until they can pass a basic literacy and 21st Century Mores test. I realize racist Cro-Magnons don't have Desk People (or even desks), but still.  Do they not realize that other people besides their junior staff interns use the internet?

*****

I also wanted to take a moment to extend condolences to Michael Jackson's family, friends, and many fans all around the world.  Without Michael, the world would never have enjoyed Doug's sneaker-squeaking moonwalk in Cosi.  (One of MJ's songs also inspired the title of one of David's interviews, "Smooth Criminal", which I'm too lazy to hunt down and link to right now, but you know the one...it's got David shooting pool on the cover).

It's hard to think of any other entertainer who was so universally known and loved all over the world, even in remote places and countries torn by war, hardship, poverty, and disease.  He'll be missed.  I hope the afterlife has a great dance floor.