Mood:  smelly

 Yesterday, as I was drowsily coming to after a nap, a limerick about Gerard Butler sprang full-blown into my head:

There once was a Scottish-born Spartan,
Who showed up on set wearing tartan.
Said Zack, "Why the kilt?
Is it modesty?  Or guilt?"
......

Unfortunately, the last line is unprintable.  It cannot even be uttered aloud, because it would cause houseplants to wilt and birds to burst into flame in midair.  Sometimes my muse can be a real pottymouth.

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 10:39 PM EST

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Well, I stand happily corrected...David's 'Australia' role was announced yesterday, and he's got the third lead!  That's thrilling news, and a welcome respite from the months of mystery and fan speculation that often accompany news of a new David project.  The more news that gets released about this project, the more spectacular it sounds.

I got nothin' today, except a rambling discourse about the real-life counterparts of the events and people depicted in Frank Miller's graphic novel.  And a joke.

Rambling discourse first.  As you know, Thermopylae literally means "the hot gates" in Greek (thermos, container for storing hot soup, + pylae, gates).  At Thermopylae, there was a narrow track along the shore of the Gulf of Malis, about 50 feet wide.  On one side were cliffs; on the other the Gulf.  Anybody journeying north or south had to pass along this track.  The path was constricted by three narrow necks (or gates), with a wall at the central gate, so it was a naturally defensible location that could be held by just a few men.  The "Thermo" in "Thermopylae" refers to hot water springs that emerged from the foot of the hill.  History does not record whether the 300 Spartans paused during battle to soak their aching muscles.

The Greeks were betrayed by a local man, Ephialtes, who showed Xerxes a goat path that went around the Greek position and emerged behind the lines.  Ephialtes was motivated by the desire for reward, although he was later assassinated.  For this act, the name of Ephialtes was forever stigmatized: it means "nightmare", and in Greek is synonymous with "traitor".  In English, the closest analogue would be "quisling".

History records two survivors of the battle.  One was on legitimate sick leave with an eye inflammation, and the other, a man named Aristodamus, was suspected of slacking and treated as an unperson when he crept back to Sparta.  He redeemed himself (at least in Herodotus' eyes) when he charged suicidially into the Persian ranks at the battle of Plataea.  Being team players, the Spartans were unimpressed by his showboating, and refused to accord him any honors after the battle.  (Tough crowd.)

Dilios' character seems to be a combination of Eye Guy (as meaningofhaste calls him) and Xeones, the sole survivor of Thermopylae who narrates the Steven Pressfield novel "Gates of Fire".  Xeones is captured by the Persians, and pressed by Xerxes to reveal the story of how a small band of Spartans kept an overwhelming tide of invaders at bay:

And yet, titanic as was that sense of loss, there existed a keener one  which I now experienced and felt my brothers-in-arms feeling with me. It  was this.

That our story would perish with us.

That no one would ever know.

I cared not for myself, for my own selfish or vainglorious purposes, but  for them. For Leonidas, for Alexandros and Polynikes, for Arete bereft by  her hearth and, most of all, for Dienekes. That his valor, his wit, his  private thoughts that I alone was privileged to share, that these and all  that he and his companions had achieved and suffered would simply vanish,  drift away like smoke from a woodland fire, this was unbearable....

I would be the one. The one to go back and speak. A pain beyond all  previous now seized me. Sweet life itself, even the desperately sought  chance to tell the tale, suddenly seemed unendurable alongside the pain of  having to take leave of these whom I had come so to love...

As poets call upon the Muse to speak through them, I croaked my  inarticulate grunt to the Striker From Afar.

If indeed you have elected me, Archer, then let your fine-fletched arrows  spring from my bow. Lend me your voice, Far Darter. Help me to tell the tale.


Xeones, like Dilios, feels a keen sense of guilt, almost failure, at being the one to live.  His entire life and training had been devoted to preparing to die for his country, and now this.

As for the armored war rhinos....okay, no real-life counterpart there.

And now, the joke, which I was reminded of when I looked out at the ice-encrusted landscape of the back porch this morning:

Q: What's Irish and stays outside all winter?

A: Paddy O'Furniture.

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 11:59 AM EST

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The more I think about it, the more I'm fascinated by the implications of 300's limited color palette.  First of all, there's the visual resonance with Spartan culture.  The world and landscape of '300' is muted, dark, and drab, relieved only by brilliant scarlet capes and gleaming slashes of blood.  This is a culture that literally comes alive in battle.  Everything else is monochromatic.

Then there's the evolutionary significance of the color scheme.  Cultures with primitive languages, such as the tribes of New Guinea and Congo, only have words for "black" and "white".  Gradually, as language evolves, the word "red" gets added (most African tribes, some Amerindian and Australian aborigine tribes), then "yellow" (Philippines, Polynesia, and - interestingly - Homeric Greek).  Words for green, blue, and brown are the last to enter a language.

From these findings, some scientists suggest that human vision evolved the same way: the ability to distinguish light and dark first, followed by the ability to see red (predators?), then yellow, and so forth.  Whether consciously or not, 300's color palette returns us to that ancient Homeric visual mode, by eliminating more sophisticated, recently acquired colors.  The film wouldn't feel as authentically Bronze Age in a salmon, eggplant, and teal theme, for example.

There's also the moral significance of the Manichean color palette, simplifying the world into black vs. white, and by extension, good vs. evil.  That works within the context of the film, although it becomes somewhat dubious when translated to real life.   As tempting as it is to frame the 300 Spartans as some sort of metaphor for modern democracy making a stand against the forces of unenlightened barbaric hordes who Hate Our Freedoms (fill in the blank - jihadists, terrorists, al-Qaeda, Communists, fascists, etc.), in reality Spartan culture was closer to Soviet-style feudalism in nature, and depended on oppressing neighboring towns and enslaving Helots to keep itself going.  Not that it's bad that they held off the Persians long enough for the other Greek city-states to organize armies.  But history is usually much grayer than the textbooks reveal.

On a different topic, after reading about the Spartan training regime on joblo.com, it's just occurred to me that 300 may end up being an intense workout on the eyeballs.  We fans might want to start getting into shape now for repeated viewings of 300 in the theater and on DVD.  Practice waving graphic panels from the book back and forth past your eyeballs for 30 minutes a day, until your mind feels the burn.  Hup! One! Two!  Work it!  Own it!

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 1:50 PM EST

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Very exciting news about David's involvement with the upcoming Baz Lurhrmann epic, 'Australia'.  I'm also thrilled that Bryan Brown is one of the leads, because he's been off the radar screen for quite awhile.  The last thing I saw him in was "The Thorn Birds" (which still remains one of my all-time favorite Aussie productions).  His rugged, rough-hewn exterior seemed to have grown right out of the sun-bleached outback.  Like a baby bird, I imprinted on him, and he became the standard against which all other Aussie actors were measured.   After F/X, for some reason, he disappeared.  He was wasted in Mullet and Spring Break Shark Attack.  (Wasted as in "underutilized", not as in "drunk".  Though I shouldn't presume to speak for him.)  Like David, he was bitten by the acting bug early on, and like David, he once had a job selling insurance.

The title Australia isn't terribly specific - it's only marginally more informative than a title like Lots of Land, or Stuff Happening To People would be.  I guess it's meant to evoke the grand epic sweep of a journey, a country, and a period in history (Baz Luhrmann has said he wanted to recreate the stirring landscapes from American films he saw as a youth).

In accordance with MPAA regulations, David's role has been classified and sealed in a lead-lined bunker beneath the scorching sands of Nevada.  As my esteemed colleague pengwyn said, we'll find out in a couple of years who he's playing.  Patience, grasshopper.  Patience.

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 12:56 AM EST

Updated: January 22, 2007 1:40 AM EST

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David Wenham movies are like comets.  They come around periodically, shine very brightly, and then recede into the farthest reaches of the solar system.  Only the most dedicated fan/astronomer can spot one coming.  In ancient times, they were thought to portend mass outbreaks of delirium.

In honor of Australia Day (upcoming), we devote this small space to Comet McNaught, which was discovered last summer by an Australian astronomer and is currently putting on quite a show in the southern hemisphere.  By many accounts, it's one of the brightest comets in the last half-century.

In the northern hemisphere, it was visible only for a few days.  I caught it last week just after sunset, with a pair of binoculars (after staring at a jet contrail for five minutes, thinking that was the comet).  McNaught is pretty, with a graceful curving tail, and it should remain visible south of the equator for the next week or two.

How come Australians get all the comets AND all the David movies? *mutter* *mutter*

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 11:50 PM EST

Updated: January 21, 2007 12:27 AM EST

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Mood:  spacey

The other day, I was at the drugstore in the "First Aid & Stationery" aisle, browsing Band-Aids, when the woman standing next to me accused me of blocking her thoughts with my wallet.

Afterwards, when I thought about it, it reminded me of the street person who walked up to David and accused him of stealing his persona for Johnny Spitieri in Gettin' Square.  People really do say the most unusual things.

She had been standing there muttering angrily to herself for a minute or two.  Thinking she was having trouble finding envelopes, I turned to her to ask if she needed help, and discovered she was glaring at me.

"If I was to call someone over here RIGHT NOW, they'd find that you was committing a crime," she said accusingly.

"Excuse me?" I said.

"You heard me, stupid person.  You got all that stuff in your pockets, blocking people's thoughts.  Blocking people's thoughts with your wallet.  Making it so they can't see anything or move around.  But I'm on to you.  I know what you're trying to do."

Now, people often find themselves feeling confused when they talk to me, but I never knew it had anything to do with the contents of my pockets.  Have I had superhuman mind-clouding powers all these years that I haven't been taking advantage of?  Does lip balm acquire telekinetic properties when placed inside my jacket?  Are the coins in my wallet being controlled remotely by a CIA satellite?  (There was a news item recently that some Canadian coins have been found with spy devices inside.  We do get a lot of Canadian money floating around here, being so close to Quebec.)

Not being fluent in Ninth-Dimension Speak, and fearing imminent physical harm, I excused myself and vacated the scene quickly, before my pockets could cause her any more mental distress.  Behind me, she continued ranting: "Of COURSE you'd pretend not to understand!  That's the kind of stupid thing that stupid people like you ALWAYS do!"  etc.

My friend Dan was amused by the mildness of the insult "stupid person".  Obviously, her mind had been bamboozled by my collection of defunct sandwich-shop cards, and she couldn't think of any worse insults.

So the question is, who would win in a courtroom?  Her, or Johnny Spit?

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 10:38 AM EST

Updated: January 12, 2007 11:25 AM EST

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Months before the release of 300, the internet discussion boards are all abuzz with controversy over historical inaccuracies in the film.

As many people have rightly pointed out, it's a silly debate - the movie is based on a comic book, NOT on actual history.   '300' is a recreation of a graphic interpretation of a historic event.  It's not even a factual, omniscient retelling.  Both book and movie are framed by an unseen narrator (possibly Dilios, recapping the story several months later at a war council?), who isn't shy about taking dramatic liberties with the plot in order to fire up the listener's imagination.

In the film, Dilios' narration receives greater emphasis.  Zach Snyder wanted to demonstrate that the surreal Frank Miller world of 300 was the result of artistic license in Dilios' retelling of the story.  All oral story forms exaggerate in order to heighten the drama.  The storytelling tradition of Herodotus and the ancient Spartans was especially rich in oracle, epigram, and visual detail.  So it's perfectly plausible that through Dilios' eyes (or eye, rather), the battle at the Hot Gates becomes a heroic fantasy saga peopled with orcs and rhinos and hookers and hunchbacks.

Of course, inventing creatures and inserting them into the story isn't just a rhetorical device.  Dehumanizing the enemy and portraying them as hellish monsters is a time-honored military tradition which not only elevates your own side's heroism and moral legitimacy, but also justifies killing total strangers.  Wiping out a bunch of conscripted slaves isn't that exciting, but if they're seven feet tall and wearing metal masks and accompanied by screaming banshees and hulking black animals, now you're talking real save-the-world heroics.

So if Dilios is in charge of interpreting the story for us, there's yet another reason not to hold '300' to a rigorous historical standard.   It also suggests that either Dilios has quite an interesting imagination, or he's been inhaling Delphic oracle vapors.  Yes, the Spartans weighed 400 pounds and had flying robot cheetahs with laser beams shooting out of their nostrils!  And then there was a huge earthquake and we were attacked by demon monkey spirits from the underworld!  I turned invisible and learned Ghost Kung Fu in thirty seconds!  It was totally awesome!

As for the costumes, or lack of, there's been lots of grumbling among purists regarding the teeny leather Speedos.  It is true that Spartans trained in the nude, and wore heavy armor into battle.  Frank Miller's interpretation was heavily influenced by depictions of ancient Greek warriors on urns and classical art which glorified the male body.  See, for example, Jacques-Louis David's 1814 painting "Leonidas at Thermopylae", which I would post here, except that disk space is running low at the moment.

It is also true that Sparta was a very physical culture which placed a great deal of emphasis on athletics, fitness, gymnastics, and dancing, over more cerebral pursuits like music and literature.  Discipline was rigorous and corporeal.  There were competitions to see who could take the most severe flogging, an ordeal known as diamastigosis.

In that respect, Frank Miller's novel accurately captures the unforgiving physical essence of Spartan culture.  Under Leonidas' command, captains push their subordinates to the limits of pain, and harsh punishments are routinely meted out for minor displays of weakness or rebellion.  Somehow, clothing and armor seems out of place in such a bare and brutal environment.

Far be it from me to complain about Frank Miller's artistic depiction of the Spartans.   Accuracy, schmaccuracy.  I'm perfectly comfy with the idea of nearly-nakey men marching into battle dressed like Ian Thorpe. 

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 10:36 AM EST

Updated: January 8, 2007 12:21 PM EST

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Mood:  special

Today's fun Internet toy:  www.faceanalyzer.com.

Here, you can plug in a photo of yourself (or your favorite red-headed Aussie actor).  The biometric software will measure and analyze your facial features, then rate you on a variety of traits: race, income, intelligence, sociability, gayness.  Also, they'll tell you who your closest "celebrity match" is.

First, I submitted a screen cap of Josh from BTS, grabbed at random off the internet.  Faceanalyzer.com decided Josh's ancestry was half Eastern European and half Anglo/Saxon.  His income and sociability were rated very high and he was labelled an "Alpha Charmer".  Strangely enough, his promiscuity fell on the "very low" end of the scale.  (Well, he *was* faithful to Cyn for the entire three days.  As far as we know.)

I was hoping David would get "celebrity matched" with himself, but Faceanalyzer decided Josh's nearest Celebrity Match was Prince William.  Hm...yeah.  I could see that.

Next, I fed in a picture of Johnny Spitieri.  The Analyze-o-Matic guessed that Spit was a 100% Korean/Japanese academic, with a high income.  Johnny's Celebrity Match was Quentin Tarantino.  Ho ho ho.

Finally, I tried it out on my own face.  Faceanalyzer.com guessed my ethnicity as 30% Middle Eastern, 60% Southern European, and 10% East Indian (wrong!  wrong!  wrong!), rated me as averagely intelligent and not-very-gay, and said my closest celebrity facial matches were Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, apparently based on the fact that all three of us possess faces.

So if nothing else, this site is good for a few laughs.

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 2:06 PM EST

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Mood:  lazy

Yahoo! Answers currently has two questions on the subject of David:

1.  Does anyone think David Wenham as Faramir in Lotr is Hot?

(Captain Obvious replies:  well, DUH!!!)

2.  Do you think David Wenham is a better comedy actor or drama actor?

Ahh, now that's an interesting topic for debate.  I've always thought David has a huge and as-yet untapped potential for comedy.  His best comedic roles to date have been sidekicks (Carl) or supporting characters (Johnny Spit, Doug from 'Cosi').  He's an astute observer of human foibles, and it's clear that he relishes the opportunity to play quirky roles.  Comedy requires excellent timing, restraint, and an eye for communicating absurdity, all of which David has.  Sometimes, his posture or facial expression alone can make you laugh.  I always love the look of total bewilderment that creeps across Josh's face when the taxi driver is lecturing him the morning after his first night with Cyn.

His delivery can also crack you up, even with short, throwaway one-word lines.  Two of my favorite little moments are a hung-over Richard Shorkinghorn mumbling "Greeeat" into his pillow when informed that the guests will soon be there for lunch, and Ian calling out "Okayyy!" to announce that he's all done with...um...donating.  The intonation is just hilarious.

On the other hand, David's performances can also cut you to the soul and make you cry (Faramir, Father Damien, Mark Waldman).  So I don't think there really is a definitive answer to this question.  It's like asking "Is it hotter in Boston or July?"

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 9:46 AM EST

Updated: January 5, 2007 2:44 PM EST

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Mood:  caffeinated

As we eagerly await news of David's next film, TV, or stage role, let's see if we can use the process of elimination to narrow down the possibilities.  Here is a list of movies that David won't be appearing in in 2007.

Sonic Raptor

Hamlet 2

Plastic Bag Caught In An Updraft

Bad Cop! No Donut!

Internet Message Boards: The Movie

The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill And Came Down A Mountain And Went Over Another Hill And Then Walked Over Three More Mountains And Past A Lake Till He Came To A Pub And Went In And Had A Few Guinnesses And His Wife Is Still Wondering Where He Went

Squidzapoppin!

Leprechaun 8: Straight To Video

The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down Under 50 Miles An Hour Or It Would Explode

Zeus vs. The Care Bears

...

See?  Already it's easier to guess where we'll be seeing David next.

Posted by dessicatedcoconut at 12:35 PM EST

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