Dessicated Coconut




Original story idea by PrincessofIthilien.


Written by Aramel, Aurelin, Galenmir, Ihaewin, PrincessFaz, PrincessofIthilien, Shieldmaidenofrohan, Shieldmatron, Sh_wulff, Singingfox, SueB, Taurloth, and Whereismysam in the TORC Faramir Swooning Thread, December 2004.


Compiled and edited by Shieldmaidenofrohan (a.k.a. SMOR).


Scene 1: The Citadel

Denethor: Faramir, get down to the kitchens and clean the grate and the hearth. Boromir and I have to get ready to host the ball tonight for the King of Rohan and his family.

Faramir: Can I go to the ball too?

Denethor: (laughs) Oh yes...a chance for Faramir, kitchen boy of Gondor, to show his quality...I think not - I trust this only to your brother, the one who will not fail me - the one who won the Middle-Earth South West Counties Foxtrot championship.

Faramir: I can dance father—let me go.

Denethor: Enough! You will remain in the kitchen out of sight—and I will inspect your work tomorrow.

Scene 2: The Kitchens

Faramir is looking wistful. Suddenly Gandalf appears - waving a wand

Faramir: Mithrandir...what happened to your staff?

Gandalf: It broke. You just can't get the staff these days...

Faramir looks around at the filthy kitchen - this set kindly provided by PrincessOfIthilien whose own kitchen was perfect

Faramir: I have to get this cleaned by tomorrow...

Gandalf: No worries! I have a miraculous wand. Let me demonstrate.....

Faramir: (looking nervous) What are you suggesting?? It's not one of those stories is it??

Gandalf: No, no certainly not. Besides, I don't have the energy.

Gandalf waves his wand around the kitchen

Gandalf: Bippety boppety boo......

The kitchen looks instantly cleaner.

Gandalf: looks at the disheveled Faramir . Hmmmmm. You might take a bit more work.


Scene 3: The Courtyard of the Citadel

Faramir enters with an armload of stuff

Faramir: (gasping for breath) Ok... got everything you asked for. A mouse from the pantry, a pair of old boots from the stables, and a giant pastry. Now what?

Gandalf: (smiles)  Bibbity bobbity boo!

He waves his wand, and the mouse is transformed into a magnificent stallion, worthy of the finest bloodlines of Rohan, and the boots are transformed into a pair of exquisite dancing shoes. The pastry, however, remains unchanged.

Faramir: (with a confused look) What is the pastry for?

Gandalf: All this magic is hard work... I'm starving!! Now to do something about those clothes...

He waves his wand again, and Faramir's ragged work clothes are instantly changed into a royal-looking blue velvet tunic. And his hair becomes beautifully fluffy.

Gandalf: Much better. Now, just remember, you can only stay until midnight because after that the spell will wear off. Got it?

Faramir: Sure thing. Hey, wait... what if my dad recognizes me?

Gandalf: He won't. Your hair never looks that fluffy when he's around.

Faramir: Oh. Ok.

Scene 4: Inside the Guest Quarters of the Citadel

Éowyn: But uncle, I don't want to go to the ball!

Théoden: *mumblemumble*

Éowyn: What?

I think what he meant was you have to.

Éowyn: But the men of Gondor are so boring! Couldn't I just sneak out to the stables and go for a ride instead?

Éomer: Sounds great. I'll go with you.

Théoden: *mumble mumble*

Éomer: Darn it... he says we have to go anyway to find a husband for you to strengthen the bonds between Gondor and Rohan. Don't see why we can't just find one in Rohan... at least he'd know how to ride.

Éowyn: (groans)  I can't even dance... (smor)


Scene 4.5: A Barrow at Edoras

Théodred is lying down, twiddling his thumbs

Théodred: Gee, if only I wasn't dead. Then I could go to the ball too.

Suddenly Gandalf appears. He bumps his head on the barrow roof.

Gandalf: *TOS violation*

Théodred: Gandalf! Have you come to bring me back to life so that I can go to the ball?

Gandalf: Um, no, sorry. Just popped by to tell you not to worry - your spirit really will find its way to the halls of your fathers. Cheerio.

He vanishes in an obligatory puff of smoke

Théodred: Drat! Well, since it looks like I won't be going anywhere soon, guess I'll get to answering this fan mail...

Suddenly someone else appears in the Barrow. It's Dracula from Van Helsing.

Dracula: Hi there!

Théodred: YAA!! Uh-who the heck are you?

Dracula: Count Vladislaus Dracula. (bows very showily)

Théodred: Aren't you from another movie? And what's with that accent—that’s not real, is it?

Dracula: No cracks about the accent! Yes, I'm from another movie, just thought I'd pop by since I heard you've go a problem. So you'd like to not be dead, right?

Théodred: Um...

Dracula: I can help you there, you know...

Théodred: Look, I think I'm OK, really-

Dracula: No, really, it's very cool being a vampire-the chicks really seem to dig it, and you think you've got fan mail now

Théodred: Look, just get out of here, OK? I don't want to be a vampire! I'm not into mixing genres up that much! The whole idea is crazy!

Dracula: But you can walk up walls! I'll show you-

A rumbling is heard outside.

Dracula: (looking worried) Curses!

Théodred: What's that, vampire hunters?

Dracula: No, my fangirls! They follow me everywhere, I can't seem to lose them!

Théodred: You have fangirls? With that accent?

Dracula: Quiet, you! (disappears in a puff of brimstone)

Théodred stares, very bewildered for a second, then gets to answering his fan mail with renewed relish.


Scene 4.75: Outside of a Barrow at Edoras

Gandalf: (checks hourglass) Oh my, look at the time... I should get back to Gondor... SHADOWFAX!!!

Shadowfax: Neigh whinny snort!*
*Translation: Hmmph... some Fairy godwizard he is... can't even get anywhere on his own! I quit!

Gandalf: Fine. Guess I'll just have to hitchhike on an Eagle...

Théodred: (from inside barrow) Get on with it!

*Translation: Yes, get on with it!!

Random éored of Rohirrim at the top of the hill: YES! GET ON WITH IT!!!

Gandalf: Sorry, sorry...

Scene 5: Outside of the Citadel

Denethor, Théoden, Éowyn and Éomer are standing at the top of the steps.

Denethor: Good evening, Lady Éowyn! I trust that all of the preparations for this ball have been made to your satisfaction.

Éowyn: Well, actually...

Théoden: (cutting her off) mumblemumble!!

Éomer: He says that it couldn't be better. Can I go get some ale now?

Théoden: mmmph.

Éomer: Great! (whispers to Éowyn) I'll bail you out later, ok? (Exits)

Denethor: Rest assured that we have only invited the finest young bachelors of Gondor to the ball tonight. In fact, there's one I'd like you to meet. Boromir!

Boromir fails to appear. The scene briefly cuts to inside where Boromir is flirting with a woman who looks suspiciously like Shieldmatron.

Denethor: (sighs)  If you'll stay where you are, my lady...

Éowyn: (under her breath) PLEASE stop calling me that...

Denethor: I'll return with him shortly. King Théoden, why don't you come with me? (They exit)

Éowyn: That's it... I'm out of here.

She begins to sneak off, when Faramir rides up on his enchanted horse and catches her eye. Faramir looks over at her and gives her that drool-inducing smile.

Faramir: Good evening, my lady.

Éowyn: (staring) That's a great horse. She turns aside and mutters to herself. Idiot!!


Scene 6: The Citadel Bar

Éomer is standing at the bar, nursing a mug of ale and scowling around the room. Boromir appears next to him, nonchalantly fastening the top button of his tunic.

Boromir: Man, I'm thirsty. Nothing like good exercise to work up a thirst, huh?

He picks up a mug and looks around the room.

Boromir: Whoa! Look at all the hot chicks!

Not particularly interested, Éomer looks over his shoulder at the crowd, grunts manfully, then returns to his ale.

Boromir: Hey, I'm really digging the blonde in the white dress. Is she a nice piece of work, or what? Bet she tastes like strawberries.

Éomer: Who?

Boromir: Over there. The fine bit of crumpet talking to that guy with the fluffy hair. Phwoooaaarrrr, eh?

Smoke rises from Éomer's ears.

Éomer: That "fine bit of crumpet" is my sister.

Boromir: Oh.

Scene 7: Another Part of the Citadel

Denethor is attempting to hold a coherent conversation with Théoden.

Denethor: ... yes, it's always a bit nippy in Gondor this time of year, but nothing that a nice fire can't fix, what?

There is a crashing sound in the direction of the bar, followed by a short yelp and the sounds of a titanic struggle.

Denethor: Um... did you hear something?

Théoden: mumblemumblemumble

Denethor: Ah... well, jolly good.


Scene 8: The Great Hall of the Citadel


Faramir walks into the ballroom and all the ladies gasp, even though he is wearing a mask.

1st Princess: Well, Boromir is gorg.........who is that??

2nd Princess: (pushing her out of the way) He is mine!!

3rd Princess: Darn! That trollop from Rohan has got there first.

Chamberlain: The Prince of Fluffiness.......

Denethor: Boromir...Boromir! Get here now...who in Eru’s name is the Prince of Fluffiness? And who does he remind me of?


Cut to a slo-mo scene of Faramir: his fluffy hair is softly blowing in the breeze, his eyes are crinkling, he is smiling a teeny weeny smile like the one he throws to Éowyn when she sees him outside the HOH.

Camera slowleee closes in on his handsome face, his noble nosimir, his sparkly deep blue eyes that match his blue velvety manly outfit, his orange stubble......

He sees Denethor and turns away…


The Handsome Prince of Fluffy looks for a clock, remembering his Fairy Godwizard's words of wisdom.

Gandalf: Don't forget Faramir. When the clock strikes midnight you must flee the Citadel before the transformation takes place.

Faramir: Yes, I won't forget.

Faramir would heed Gandalf's warning. The idea of leopard bikinis, flip-flops and a mullet did not sound appealing to him.  


The music starts playing a romantic tune.

Faramir: (smiling at Éowyn) My lady, would you like to dance?

Éowyn: (blushes) I can’t dance, my lord.

Faramir: Never mind, I’ll teach it to you.

Éowyn: (blushes even more and prays for a quick idea for a good excuse) Mmmmm, it´s not what you think, only, my horse had trodden on my foot, mmmm that´s why I can´t dance tonight… (Mutters to self) Oh, this was so darn bad.

1st Princess: I will gladly dance with you, my lord.

Faramir helplessly looks at Éowyn. She pretends to stumble and he catches her in her arms. Their faces are very near now, but... Denethor suddenly stands in front of the guests and starts a speech.

Denethor: Dear guests, as we approach midnight and therefore the great fireworks...

Faramir: (blanches) Did he say midnight?

He turns round and runs to the exit. In his rush he trips over a stone and loses one shoe. He doesn´t care and gets out of sight of the guests just in time, before the spell wears off.


Scene 8.1: The Citadel Bar

Shieldmatron walks up to the bar where Boromir is checking out chicks and kick him in the shin.

shieldmatron: Hey, buster!

Boromir: Oooohhhhffffff!

Éomer snickers.


Scene 9: The Citadel Ballroom


Éowyn, meanwhile, is running out of the Citadel after Faramir.

Éowyn: Wait, I'm sorry! I'd love to dance with you! Please come back, I don't even know your name! Or what you look like! Except for that fluffy hair...

She pauses when she sees the discarded shoe lying by the door, and picks it up, looking thoughtful.


Éowyn: That's it. I'm going to search the entire city until I find the owner of this dance shoe.

First Princess: Oh, doesn't she just sound pathetic?

Second Princess: Well, those men of wonder she's so desperate.

Third Princess: Except for that stallion over by the bar...I'd sure like to take him for...

Éowyn: (grabbing a sword from a nearby courtier) That "stallion" is my brother.

Princesses: Oh *TOS violation* The three of them run away…


Meanwhile, at the bar...

Éomer is holding ice against his newly-acquired black eye, while Boromir staunches a bloody nose and rubs his shin ruefully

Boromir: I just don't understand women.

Éomer: Twerp.

Boromir: Moron.

The unmistakable sound of screaming floats in from the Citadel Ballroom, followed by a loud crash. And another loud crash.

Éomer: Um. I should go.


The Story Continues:    1   2   3   4

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