Scene 18: The Kitchens

Denethor's servants reach the Citadel first, racing down to the kitchens and shoving Prince Fluffy in, locking the door behind him. Denethor arrives and begins cackling.

Denethor: Ha! I'll teach you to usurp my son!

Faramir: (from inside room) Umm... Dad...

Denethor: Quiet, you! I told you not to call me that!

Faramir: Fine. (mutters to self) There's got to be a window around here somewhere....

Denethor: I heard that! And no, there's not.

He turns and begins to walk away, when Éomer tackles him.

Denethor: Owww....    

Éomer sits on Denethor's chest and proceeds to beat the snot out of him. Denethor's guards rush up and pile on Éomer, trying to pry him off of the aging Steward. The Riders of Rohan scurry about in the background, with Haleth periodically crying out "We will not live out the night!" Boromir collapses against a wall and laughs himself silly. Pippin hops around anxiously. Éowyn rushes up to the kitchen door and pounds on it.

Éowyn: Faramir? Can you hear me?

Faramir: (muffled) I'm tunneling out of here!

Denethor: No! You will not take my son from me!

Pippin: He's not dead!

Éomer: Take that! *whap* And that! *pound* And that! *thump*

Irolas: It is as Lord Denethor predicted! Long has he foreseen this doom!

Haleth: We will not live out the night!

Éowyn tries to enter the kitchen. The door is locked but she kicks it open. Prince Fluffy is about to change his clothes to the ragged ones of the kitchen boy and becomes Faramir again.

Faramir: Éowyn, why have you come?

Éowyn: Do you not know?

Faramir: I can´t make more pancakes, we ran out of eggs.

Éowyn shows the shoe and the tissues to him.

Éowyn: This belongs to you.

Faramir: I would not take this thing, if it lay by the highway.

Éowyn: But…

Faramir: You’re right… what am I saying?

He is about to take the shoe from Éowyn, when Denethor, Éomer and Boromir enter the kitchen.

Denethor: What are you doing here, Lady of Rohan?

Éowyn (draws her sword): I am a Shieldmaiden of Rohan and I want to fight for him, who I love.

Haleth (from outside): We will not live out the night!

Éowyn (from inside): Oh, shut up, you git!


Pippin lurks from behind Boromir´s back.

Denethor: Can you sing, Master Hobbit?

Pippin: Well, yes, but we have no songs for filthy kitchens and hopeless love-stories.

Denethor turns to Faramir.

Denethor: Back, you impostor! I entrust this marriage only to your brother...the one who will not fail me. He is loyal to me and no wizard's pupil. He grabs the shoe from Éowyn's hand. Let the shoe burn, for burn it must!!!

Boromir: Umm.. Dad.... I don't think you should do that...

Éowyn: No! Do not take the shoe from me!

Denethor glares at her, then grabs a bottle of cooking oil and dumps it on the shoe, then tosses it into the kitchen fire. Pippin grabs a pair of tongs and pulls it out of the fire, but the shoe is already a charred mess of burnt leather.

Pippin: Oops.

Denethor: Ha! And now you have no proof that he's Prince Fluffy! You'll have to marry Boromir!

Boromir: But Dad...

Denethor: Quiet, you!

Faramir, meanwhile, has quietly sneaked off. While Boromir and Denethor are still arguing, he returns with a bundle in his hands.

Éowyn: What's that?

He hands her the package, and she unwraps it.

Éowyn: It's the other shoe!

Éomer: Thank Eru... that means it's not Boromir.

Boromir: Shut up, pony-boy.

A dangerous-looking scowl crosses Denethor’s face. Faramir smiles innocently. Denethor begins angrily knocking pots around the kitchen, then grabs one and is about to thwack Faramir with it, when he suddenly trips over Pippin. Denethor falls back, momentarily stunned. Boromir rolls his eyes, and Éomer looks completely confused (though still relieved that Boromir is not Prince Fluffy.) Éowyn smiles, then embraces Faramir once more. This is enough to clear Denethor’s head.

Denethor: You fools! (to Éowyn and Faramir) The rule of Gondor and this affair is mine! Come, Boromir!"

He drags the reluctant Boromir out of the kitchen and with a very thoughtful face returns to the throne room, where he sits down on his chair. Boromir tries to make a quick run out a side-door but Denethor gets all angry and commands him to stay.

Denethor: It is not ended yet!

Boromir: Father?

Denethor: I have seen more than you know. With my left hand I would use Faramir as a shield against Éowyn's wrath, and with my right I would seek to supplant him! We will lock Faramir away, this time somewhere safer than a kitchen and you will become Prince Fluffy and wed the unknowing Éowyn.

Boromir: Father, your will has turned to madness! What do you think she will do to me when she finds out the truth? By my blood would you keep your hide safe!

Denethor: You will not defy me!

Théoden, having a brief coherent moment,  wanders into the room..

Théoden: I hope Gondor has not deserted me! Steward, you were to show me that our alliance will be strengthened and so far all I have seen is Éomer and Boromir battling in the bar.

Boromir scowls.

Denethor: It will be done!

Boromir: (mumbling to self)  Oh, will it? You pyromaniac, if I was the Steward I would see the glory of Gondor restored. And that Éowyn gives me the creeps.

Denethor: What was that, son?

Théoden: (drawing sword) Yes, what was that?

Boromir: Oh, nothing.

Denethor: (yells loudly so that Théoden claps his hands over his ears) MITHRANDIR!

Gandalf materializes before Denethor's chair, once more dressed in his signature white robes. He looks rather irritated, and skewers Denethor with a piercing glare.

Gandalf: What's with the summoning, Steward? In case you haven't noticed, I'm not your fairy godwizard.

Denethor: I have summoned you to repay your debt, Mithrandir. Or have you so soon forgotten the penalty for not returning manuscripts to the Library of Gondor in a timely fashion? Your overdue fees are tremendous.

Gandalf: Oh. That. (pouting slightly) What do you want?

Denethor: You must hinder the marriage of Faramir and Éowyn!

Before Denethor can continue, the doors to the Great Hall burst open. Éowyn sweeps in with Faramir in tow. Sensing a finale, Éomer and the Riders of Rohan accompany them, followed by Pippin, Irolas and the Citadel Guards.

Éowyn: Authority is not given you to deny the return of the Fluffy, Steward!

Denethor: You!

Éowyn: Come not between the shieldmaiden and her ginger!

She hurls Faramir's extra shoe at Denethor. It hits him right in the mouth and knocks him to the ground. He spits it out in disgust and struggles to his feet.

Denethor: It shall not be! You will marry Boromir, scion of my line, proud and noble, the next Steward of Gondor!

Everyone turns to look at Boromir. He is seated in Steward's Chair, jovially bouncing Shieldmatron up and down on his knees.

Boromir: Pony ride! Pony ride! Pony.... (he realizes everyone is staring at him) ....ride.... Um...

Denethor: (furious) You have betrayed me!

Faramir: (stepping forward) Since you are robbed of Boromir, I will do what I can in his stead.

He kisses Éowyn. The White Tree spontaneously bursts into flowers.

Denethor: So be it! I shall hurl myself dramatically from the prow of Minas Tirith!

Denethor runs out the doors of the Citadel, trips on the stairs, and lands head-first in the Fountain of the Tree. Irolas and the Guards run after Denethor, very concerned. Boromir and Shieldmatron exit the scene together, presumably to inspect the city's overnight accomadations. Pippin stuffs a pancake down Éomer's trousers. Éomer runs after Pippin. Gamling, Elfhelm and Hama follow him, with Haleth bringing up the rear crying "We will not live out the night!" Théoden wanders around aimlessly, bumps into a column, and mumbles. Gandalf laughs merrily as Faramir and Éowyn embrace on the white marble steps leading up to the empty throne of Gondor.

Curtain.

THE END…

OR IS IT?

Alternate Ending: Just as Faramir leans forward to kiss Éowyn, Peter Jackson appears. He wiggles his fingers in Faramir's direction, then vanishes.

Faramir: ..... I feel strange....

Éowyn: (concerned) What is it?

Faramir: Must... go... to... Osgiliath...

He races out the door, leaving Éowyn standing alone.

Éowyn: No, PJ, you can´t mean that!

PJ: Go home.

Éowyn: Don´t throw away our love so rashly!

PJ: First he must go to Osgiliath - Is an actor here who still has the courage to do his director´s will?

Faramir: Where does my allegiance lie, if not with New Line Cinema?

Éowyn: NOOOOOOOOO!

PJ (sighs): Ok, later you will get 45 seconds. I will say no more!

Éowyn: (angrily) Guess I'll just have to take matters into my own hands...again...

Éomer: (entering with a large barrel, from which you can hear Pippin's muffled protests from inside) So what did I miss?

Éowyn: This....this... hobbit took my man away!

Éomer: (groans) This doesn't mean I have to search the entire city for a shoe again, does it?

PJ: (Looks at Éomer) Hey, you're not supposed to be here!

Éomer: What?

PJ: Wormtongue banished you. You don't show up again until the end of Helm's Deep.

Éomer: (looks confused)

Éowyn: Don't let him speak anymore! He'll cast a spell on you!

Éomer: Must....resist....Hey, if I listen to him, do I get to dance with that hot chick from Dol Amroth?

PJ: I have no idea what you're talking about. The only romance that matters in Middle-Earth is between Aragorn and Arwen.

Éowyn: (growls)

Éomer: Oh, now you've done it...

Éowyn: (To Éomer) Let this be the hour we draw swords together, brother!

Éomer and Éowyn draw their swords, scream "DEEEEEAAAAAAATH!" and chase after PJ.

As Éowyn and Éomer chase after PJ with their swords drawn..... Merry saunters in, eating an apple.

Merry Hey Pip, what did I miss???

Pippin Oh, those two are.....wait a minute, where did you come from?? And where did you get that apple?? I’m starving.

Merry and Pippin sit back with a bunch of apples and a few mugs of ale, contentedly munching and watching the show as Éowyn and Éomer continue to chase PJ around with their swords. Finally, from offstage, the sound of Éowyn shouting is heard, along with several loud crashes. A few minutes later, PJ walks back out into the courtyard, with Éowyn close behind, her sword poking into his back.

Éowyn: (glaring) Go on, start talking.

PJ: (pulls out a piece of paper and clears his throat) On behalf of New Line Cinema, I hereby wish to formally apologize to the estate of Mr. J.R.R. Tolkien and his fans for my treatment of Faramir. I was misguided and failed to understand the depth of his character. I also apologize to his fans for the misunderstanding with Osgiliath. (He stops, and glances back at Éowyn nervously.)

Éomer: (enters) Better keep talking. Trust me, you don't want to make her mad.

Éowyn: Very funny, Éomer.

Denethor: So that's what it takes to get an apology around here... hmmm...

Boromir: Can I get an apology for him making me dead?

Gandalf: Sorry, Boromir, that happened in the books too.

Boromir: (sulkily) Oh, fine. (Walks off with Shieldmatron)

All the Fazguls: GET ON WITH IT!!

PJ: Right. I also hereby apologize for my treatment of the relationship between Éowyn and Faramir. I failed to see that since the relationship between Arwen and Aragorn was told merely as an afterthought in the appendices and Éowyn and Faramir got an entire chapter within the story, their tale is obviously important to the plot and cannot be resolved in less than a minute.

Éowyn: (pokes him) And?

PJ: sighs, then waves his hand. A few moments later, a somewhat dazed Faramir enters. When he sees Éowyn, he runs over to her.

Faramir: Éowyn! I had the strangest dream...I tried to kidnap some midgets and take them to Osgiliath, and there were these Nazgul flying around, and... He is abruptly cut off when Éowyn kisses him.

Théoden walks back out, and Denethor spots him.

Denethor: (to Théoden) YOU! This is all your fault! If you had done a better job of raising your niece…

Théoden: Mumble?

Hama: (from offstage) Hey, he’s threatening our king!

Gamling: Let’s get him!

Haleth: We will not live out the night!

Hama, Gamling and Elfhelm: Oh, shut up. They run onto the stage, chasing a suddenly very worried-looking Denethor. Boromir re-enters, looks at Faramir and grins approvingly, then a look of realization crosses his face as he looks at Éomer.

Boromir: Hey… this doesn’t mean you’ll be showing up at the next family reunion, does it?

Éomer: Oh *TOS violation*

They begin arguing once more, while the other Rohirrim continue chasing Denethor around. Shieldmatron and Lothiríel run onto the stage and break up the fight. Boromir leaves with Shieldmatron once again, while Éomer grabs Lothíriel so he can finally get his dance. Merry and Pippin decide to undertake a mission…quest…thing…to eat all the food in the Citadel while the Big Folk are otherwise occupied, and run off. Faramir and Éowyn, oblivious to all of this, continue kissing on the stairs leading up to the Citadel. Théoden continues wandering around until he trips and falls into the fountain, knocking his head. Gandalf reappears and pulls him out, and Théoden shakes his head as his eyes clear.

Théoden: Gandalf? What are you doing here? Did I miss something?

Gandalf just rolls his eyes.

THE END (REALLY!)