Dessicated Coconut

Osgiliath Dictionary: A - C

A

Amon Din (n.) The noise made by Gondor's old message relay system:
"Hey!….Hey!….HEY!…….HEY!!!!"
"What?"
"Gondor calls for aid!"
"What?"
"GONDOR CALLS FOR AID!"
"Oh... YO! WAKE UP OVER THERE, EILENACH! CONDORS HAD A PARADE!"
"What?"
(etc.)

Amon Henpecked (adj.) One whose spouse continually nags about spending too much time on the Seeing Seat.

Amon Henvy (n.) Daddy said YOU were to be entrusted with the ring. Not the midget.

Anduraflame (n.) The Artificial Fireplace Log of the West. Forged in the smithies of a giant chemical conglomerate in Bayonne, Anduraflame glows blue in the presence of Orcs.  Or anything, really.

angmarch (v.) (of an army) To march along a road staring straight ahead, thus missing the heroes who are crouched next to a rock twenty feet off the path. More generally, to engage in a task wearing blinders.
On our angmarch to get tickets for the Kenny G. concert, we failed to notice the President standing on the sidewalk in a clown suit handing out free ice cream and $20 bills.

aragornery (adj.) Irritated by requests for second breakfast.
As the children clamored for ice cream in the back seat, Mrs. Postlethwaite began to feel aragornery.

argobath (n.) A dunking occasioned by the tipping over of an Elvenboat.
Thanks to Sean Bean, Orlando Bloom found himself taking an argobath in the Anduin.

army-of-the-dead fresh (adj.) Clean and radiantly sparkling, as though recently scrubbed by an effervescent mob of lime-green CGI ghosts.
Wow, your bathroom is so army-of-the-dead fresh!

arweep (v.) To tremble perpetually on the brink of tears. Often seen in conjunction with bloominous haze and galadiance.
Dude, I totally arwept when Theoden died.

arwenham (n.) A viewer whose physical well-being is tied to the fate of Faramir.
As Denethor poured oil all over his unconscious son, the arwenhams began to perspire and feel faint. Later, at the coronation scene, they perked up.

 

B
 

Bacon of Gondor (n.) 1. A Second Age warning system, which was abandoned when it was discovered that a) sizzling doesn't carry to the next mountaintop and b) the guards were consuming the stockpiles.
2. Affectionate nickname for the local constabulatory of Minas Tirith.
"Psst! Bacon of Gondor at six o'clock! Cheese it!" hissed Nick.

bag ending (n.) Among several false or premature endings, the scene that actually does conclude a movie.
"Was that the bag ending?"
"Nope, it's just the Grey Havens.  We've got another forty minutes to go."

balrogle (v.) To gawk nerdily at CGI creatures, while ignoring the human actors.
Mamacita! Check out the digital compositing on those tentacles. I'd sure love to get into her source code.

balrug (n.) Asbestos toupee for covering flaming, demon-pattern baldness.

Barad-Durif (n.) Evil stone edifice which speaks with a Midwestern accent. Also known as "Grima Wormtower".

Barad Pitt (n.) Lousy movie which swallows acting careers whole.
Lordy, "Cool World" was a real Barad Pitt.

barrow-white (adj.) Ghastly albino hue, caused by not having been outdoors in a very, very long time.
You look barrow-white...have you been hanging out on TORC?

bilboard (n.) Central advertising spot for "adventures".
I saw your ad for "Make $$$$ From The Comfort Of Your Own Home! (some travel required)" on the bilboard, and thought I'd drop by for tea...

Bill the Puny (n.) Eentsy weentsy horse that tagged along with the Fellowship. Bill the Puny was carried off by a cloud of midges five minutes after leaving the Prancing Pony, never to be seen again.

bloomerang (v.) To reappear again and again in subsequent movies as a result of being associated with a hugely succesful blockbuster.
Thanks to the bloomerang effect, Leonardo was all set for at least ten years after Titanic.

bodygardener (n.) Hybrid job title held by Sam.
As the hideous orc/marigold hybrids closed in on Frodo, Sam the bodygardner brandished the Mulch of Galadriel and yelled "Back, you filth!"

bombadilly-dally (v.) To evade adult responsibility by embarking on frivolous hippie benders.
Cut your hair, stop bombadilly-dallying, and get a job!

Bombadilli Vanilli (n.) Fake rap character who lip-synched all the stuff about strawberries and rilly-dilly dingle-dells.

borometer (n.) A measuring device which detects sudden changes in narrative pressure.
According to the borometer, Boromir no longer desires the Ring, because he's dead.

borrow-mir (v.) In borrowing an item (such as a ring), to cast doubt upon whether it will ever be returned.
My neighbor borrowmired my hedge clippers six months ago. Guess I'll have to buy new ones.

boromirth (n.) Amusement over hobbit antics, which often ends with a shin-kicking.

boyds of a feather (n.) Any of a number of diminutive, hobbit-portraying actors who bond together intensely during filming of a trilogy in New Zealand.

breefund (n.) A money-back guarantee promised to a customer, with no intention of following through, because you expect that they’ll be dead in the morning.
1. ”Oh yes,” smirked Barliman Butterbur to Mr. Underhill, “You can have a full breefund if this room with the faulty lock proves unsatisfactory.” 
2. As he tumbled from the sky, Nazgul Number Four realized that he’d been sold a Fell Lemon, and there was no hope of collecting on the breefund.

breemature (adj.) To feel a sense of relief at reaching journey's end, when in fact you have just begun.
Pippin's joy at reaching the Prancing Pony was breemature. Little did he know he would shortly wake up on a merchant freighter, bound for Djakarta.

breetentious (adj.) Opposite of "pretentious". To appear to be smaller, cutier, and cozier than you really are.

Breggae (n.) Music enjoyed by those with Theodreads.

bring me wood and oil (colloq.) Aaaah, $&(@(* it. Expression of extreme frustration.
I've had it with this frip-frappin' jar of peanut butter. Bring me wood and oil.

C
 
cair androgynous (adj.) (of an island) Ambiguously gendered.
Iceland is butch, but I always thought Madagascar was rather cair androgynous.

Cair Bear (n.) A fuzzy, lavender-hued island just north of Cair Andros, with a heart-shaped clearing. Cair Bear wuvs you. Cair Bear wants to give oo a gweat big hug.

caradharass (v.) To hinder another's passage through a narrow gap.
Tom's boss caradharassed him in the hallway, and he was forced to duck into the stairwell to escape.

celebimbo  (n.) An elf whose sole function is to stand in the background and look pretty.
Hey Doreen...check out the celebimbos at Helm's Deep!

Cerumen (n.) The ear-wax wizard.
“Bring me the Ear-Wax Hobbit!” thundered Cerumen. “His forefinger is of great value to me.”
(Ed. note: Cerumen is the medical term for ear-wax.  Really.)

cirith angle (n.) A vertigo-inducing camera viewpoint.
“Oh, man,” Alvin whispered as Sam, Gollum, and Frodo clambered up the Secret Stair, “these Cirith Angles are making me sick!”

cirith bungle (v.) To screw up your nasssty hobbit-killing scheme.

cirith strangle (v.) To make a dire threat that you have no real power to enforce.
The clammy Cirith Strangle of my boss closed around my windpipe. "May death find you quickly if you don't have that report on my desk by 5 pm." Little did he know that my resignation was sitting in his email box.

cirith uncle (n.) A shadowy relative within whom "a dark terror dwells", and who usually shows up uninvited at the yearly Auntmoot.

Club Meduseld (n.) Private getaway spot for swingin' single monarchs.

cormallencholy (adj.) Sad because you didn't get to go to the big party after the War of the Ring ended.
Eowyn felt cormallencholy in the Houses of Healing, which she attributed to the fact that they wouldn't let her have anything but Jello.

Corvairs of Umbar (n.) Pirate ships with really bad suspension and a tendency to flip over and burst into flame.

a couple of hobbits short of a Fellowship (colloq.) A person who is not all there, or not in possession of all of his/her marbles.
Denethor is a couple of hobbits short of a Fellowship, if you know what I mean.
Synonyms:
- surfing at Helm’s Deep
- his/her White City doesn’t go all the way to the seventh level
- not the sharpest shard in the Narsil
- a little too much tra-la-la-lalley in his/her valley
- a permanent busy signal in his/her palantir
- the dwarves are being tossed, but they’re not landing
- his/her Nazgul are still circling Osgiliath
- there's a dead White Tree in his/her courtyard
- not the brightest ring in the mithril shirt
- no drums in his/her deep
- the beacons are lit, but nobody’s answering
- a few Stewards short of a pyre
- a few eagles short of a rescue
- not the brightest gem in the Evenstar necklace
- a few horses short of an ťored

crebain-spotting (n.) Common hobby among middle-aged elves.
"What do your elf eyes see?"
"It's the 7.05 flock from Swindon with a Crewe diesel locomotive of type C-C trucked SD45."

crickhollow (n.) Calcified bone deposit caused by sitting still through multiple viewings of 3-hour movies.
"Ouch," said Wanda, as they stood up from the LOTR marathon, "I've got a nasty crickhollow in my neck".

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