# Collected 500 gallons of rainwater.  Enough to flush the toilet 147 times.  I counted. 

# Dinner, movie tickets, chloroform....this date with Cath Carney is costing me a fortune!

# A note from the library complaining about water-damaged books.  Well, obviously I wouldn't take books I *own* into the bathtub. 

# The ranch next door has gone bust.  I will miss wondering how it stays in business.

@KingCarney: Your egotism reminds me of myself.

# Brushing up on my cursing today.  Got a few greeting cards coming up.

# Asked Nullah to sing a Swedish model to me.  Ended up with an Ikea floor lamp.  Cheeky little bastard.

# Canadians joining in war effort.  Canadians are all right.  Their geese are jerks, though.

# I've decided I need a signature fragrance.  Something that captures the essence of bitter ambition and wasted potential.  And lilacs.

# Off to YMCA, to simulate running and Christian principles.

# Who knew?  With a little chlorine, your bath water can last all summer.

# I'm home, and by "home" I mean no longer stealing cattle.

# Lady Ashley: I am so over you.  Me:  Oh, please.  You couldn't get over me with a sherpa.

# If I lived in the northern hemisphere, would I twirl my mustache counter-clockwise?

# Went up to Darwin yesterday arvo.  Learned that opium is the opiate of the masses.

# Winter can be so depressing.  When you finally get a slow day, you're behind on personal hygiene and can't enjoy it.

# If you're happy and you know it....I didn't punch you hard enough.

# Overworked and underdrunk.

# Night's curtain falls and charms my wavering consciousness.  Going out to bash some roos with an empty lager bottle.

# The best part about church is the free breakfast money they pass out on the little plate.

# Oh gosh, little creamy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to knock you off your tricycle.  Let me hold your ice cream sandwich while you   TA TA, SUCKER!!!!

# If you love someone, hold onto them until Stockholm Syndrome kicks in.

# It's Australia Day Eve.  I have to leave a jar of Vegemite at the window.  Otherwise Skippy the Bush Kangaroo climbs in and eats you.

# Some blokes are fighting the Japs.  Some blokes are fighting the Germans.  I'm fighting Vampire Hitler.  HE'S NOT BOTHERING YOU BECAUSE I'M TAKING CARE OF IT.

# I declair twoday too bee Typo Toosday.

# Just between you, me, and the lamppost, I may need new brakes.  And a new lamppost.

# This is one of those days when my thoughts turn to darker things.  Such as chocolate.

@drover Your fly is down. Ha! Made you look.

# I bet the town hall meetings in Germany are full of protestors comparing Hitler to Hitler.

# Dreamt I was doing community service, collecting trash from a gulch in Yulura and helping grandmas cross the road.  WTF kind of dream is that?

# If you're looking at your bum in the mirror while making over-the-shoulder kissy faces, there is not much you can say if your wife catches you.

# Darwin bombed to rubble yesterday.  Now I'll never find out what happened to that girl who didn't listen, hit her head, and had the weird hallucination about ruby slippers.

# I'm doing manly chores around the station.  Like banging on the doohickey with a wrench, and yelling at that clacky thingie.

# Some half=naked dude is imitating a flamingo up on the water tower.  He's got something in his hand.  Looks like a glass tipped spea

<< Return to Humor