Intermission: Faramir’s Dream

Faramir is looking into the mirror, but instead of his own reflection he sees Prince Fluffy.

Prince Fluffy: We wants it, we needs it. Must have the Preciousss. They keep us away from the party. Wicked, tricksssy, false.

Faramir: No, not Boromir.

Prince Fluffy: Yes, Preciousss. False! They will cheat you, send you into the kitchen again.

Farmir: Boromir is my brother.

Prince Fluffy: Nobody likes you.

Faramir: (Very teary eyes.) Go away.

Prince Fluffy: Go away!?! You will have to clean the hearth forever.

Faramir: Boromir will look after me. I don´t need you.

Prince Fluffy: I left my shoe with her.

Faramir: What?

Prince Fluffy: She will come and search the foot for the shoe.

Faramir: Oh, no, look at my hair! It is not fluffy and I don´t have clean clothes.

Prince Fluffy: Is Faramir, kitchen boy of the Citadel, losing his nerves?

Faramir: (cries) She won´t recognize me.

Prince Fluffy: No, not like that! Leave now and never come back!

Faramir: (sobs)

Prince Fluffy: Leave now and never come back!

Faramir wakes up and looks around, there is no-one in the kitchen except some mice.

He is shocked that he had been talking to himself and even more shocked that Prince Fluffy would try to make him leave and never come back.

Faramir: No, I'm not going to let the love of my life get away so easily! She may have not recognized me as Prince Fluffy, but that is who I am, and I must find a chance to show her my um...qualities...

Faramir's face lights up and we see him point an index finger towards the sky.

Faramir: But before I run around like mad around the city trying to find her, I must make sure I dress appropriately...

Next scene, we see someone looking suspiciously like Johnny Spitieri running through the various levels of the city wearing flip flops and leopard-spotted underwear.

Scene 15: Outside of the Citadel

After riding up all seven levels of the city, and wondering why didn't they think to start at the top, Éomer and his Riders finally arrive at the Citadel.

Éomer: Last level, men. If the foot we're looking for isn't here, I'm riding straight back to Rohan and my sister will just have to deal with it.

Denethor rushes out of the Citadel, dragging Boromir along after him.

Denether: Search no longer, Riders! I have found the man whose foot will fit the shoe!

Boromir: And it's not me!

Denethor: (sotto voce) Shuttup! (he smacks Boromir on the back of the head)

Éomer: (seeing Boromir) Oh sweet lord, not you...

Boromir: I'm not particularly thrilled by this either, horseman.

Denethor grabs the shoe from Éomer and bends down to put it on Boromir's foot.

Denethor: Aha! A perfect.. mmph... rrgh... squeeze your toes together, boy... it fits like a.... yyyrrggh... fffffmmm... aaaaargh!

There is a small ripping noise. Éomer leaps forward and grabs the shoe from Denethor.

Éomer: NEXT!

Boromir: (To Denethor) Told you.

Denethor: (furious) Rohan has deserted us... Théoden's betrayed me... (his lip starts to wobble dangerously)

Boromir: OK, dad, maybe we should go back inside...

Denethor: Flee! Flee for your lives!! Ahahahahaha!!!

Boromir: (To Éomer) OKthanksforcomingitwaslovelygottago!

Boromir grabs Denethor and drags him back into the Citadel.

Denethor: We shall burn! Burn! Burn! Like the heathen kings of old! Ahahahahaha!!!

Éomer looks after them with a puzzled _expression, then looks back down at the shoe.

Éomer: Life is so much simpler in Rohan.

Haleth: It is hopeless!

Éomer: Shut up, kid.

With the damaged-beyond-repair Shoe still in his hand, Éomer and the other Riders re-enter the Citadel. Éowyn, having just finished her tasty pancake breakfast, hurries out to meet them.

Éowyn: Did you find him?

Éomer: Thousands of men in this stupid city, and not one of them fits into this shoe!

Éowyn: What? (Stares in disbelief) Every man in the city?

Hama: I think so...

Gamling: I lost count after the 378th man.

Hama: (whispers to Gamling) I told you we shouldn't have skipped the fifth level...

Gamling: Shut up, Hama.

Haleth: This is hopeless! We're all doomed!

Gamling, Hama & Éomer: Shut up, Haleth.

Éowyn: No, no, he's right. The only man I could ever love, and I can't find him, so how could he love me back? This leaves me with no choice but to disguise myself as a man and ride out to meet my doom in battle.

Éomer: (Desperately) Noooooooo! We'll keep looking. (Looks down at Shoe) I mean, we would keep looking, but...

Éowyn: (suspiciously) But what?

Gamling: Well, um... the shoe's broken.

Éowyn: Why? How?

Éomer: Well, that idiot Denethor made that blockhead Boromir stuff his big fat foot into it, and it tore.

Smoke comes out of Éowyn’s ears, and she draws her sword

Éomer: Oh no... here we go again...

Éowyn: Grrrrrrr!!!!!

Éomer: Rohirrim!!! Flee!!!

They flee.

Éowyn: Grrrrrrr!!!!! Holy Felaróf!! (sheaths her sword) Mumblemumble. Oh, I must have eaten too many pancakes…

Leaves for the only sane place she can imagine – the stables.

Scene 16: The Stables

Éowyn: (patting her horse, despondently) Oh… I wonder if I can ever find him… my stupid brother will never do it! Grrrr!!!! (gives her horse some sugar)

Horse: (happily) Neigh.

Éowyn: (smiles, but then frowns suddenly) Why did this fellow’s horse eat his boots, I’d like to know… What do you think?

Horse: (decidedly) Neigh!

Éowyn: Yes, I agree. He must be feeding it poorly. I could cook his horse something nice…

Horse: (frightened) Neigh!

Éowyn: Anyway, that kitchen boy is really so sweet… (dreamily) Oh, if only he had fluffy hair… (suddenly remembers something) Why is this crazy Steward always trying to make me meet his son, eh?

Horse: (enthusiastically) Neigh!

Éowyn: You mean you like this Boromir?!

Horse: (affirmatively) Neigh!

Éowyn: But his hair ain’t fluffy at all!

Horse: (in a questioning tone) Neigh?

Éowyn: Of course, I care what kind of hair a man has! And yet, this fellow…

Horse: (tired) Neigh…

Éowyn: Oh, it’s useless to talk to you!

Horse: (shaking her head) Neigh!

Éowyn is getting ready to leave the stables when Boromir comes in

Éowyn: What are you doing here Boromir?

Boromir: Oh, I , uh, well, there's something I think you should....

Éowyn: My brother already told me about your fat foot in the shoe, Boromir.

Boromir: NO, no its not about THAT, though I AM sorry about that. It was all my dad's fault--he's not quite right...up there....if you get what I mean.

Éowyn: Okay, okay, I get it. So what do you WANT???

Boromir: Well, there's someone I think you should meet. I mean, I do kind of wish that my foot DID fit that shoe, but there's someone who would kick me up and down every level of the city if I did THAT so......

Éowyn: Hmmm, there seems to be several women in this city who are rather...territorial..... when it comes to you Gondorian men.

Boromir: Really?? Man, why didn't I know about that a month ago......(ponders.....)

Éowyn: Geesh, are you going to tell me what you came here for or are you going to fantasize about shield-bearing Gondorian women chasing you up and down the city??? I don’t have all day to listen to you ramble....

Boromir: Okay. There's someone you haven't met yet, someone I think you should meet. Someone my father didn't want you to meet…

scene fades to black

Scene 17: Outside of the stables

Faramir rushes throughout the city trying to find something to wear. Finally he realizes that he has nothing...He stands , panting and out of breath, sweaty, dirtstreaked, in his ratty old clothes, outside the stables, wondering what to do.

Suddenly a woman walks out of the stables. It is Éowyn. She is gorgeous. Faramir sees her, she sees him. He is totally embarrassed at his appearance, but she is looking at his face, smiling...

Faramir: (thinking) Oh no! Here she is and I'm not fluffy-ized

He turns to leave, but its too late, she's spotted him.

Éowyn: Wait!

Faramir doesn't quite know what to do...he's not really dressed to meet the woman of his dreams, yet here she is, walking quickly towards him.

Faramir: HELP! I need somebody's help!

Everything around Faramir freezes. Éowyn also freezes, mouth still opened with the remains of the word "Wait" on her lips. Faramir is helpless to know what's happening.

Faramir: (confused) Huh?

*poof*

Gandalf: (appearing out of thin air, very frustrated) What is it now?!?! I can't keep popping into and out of thin air, you know...I'm only human...no wait, wizard. Anyway, what do you want?!?!

Having been summoned by Faramir's call for help, Gandalf the White has shown up. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at noticing Faramir in nothing but flip-flops and his underwear, Gandalf regains his composure and then says...

Gandalf: What the #$%^&*(@ are you doing in naught but your underwear?

Faramir: (a little annoyed) That's why I summoned you. I need clothes. The ones I had were just old dirty rags and I need new ones. I would ask my father, but he would try to burn me alive if I asked for new clothes. I need new clothes so I can become my true self—Prince Fluffy and reclaim my princess—the White Lady Éowyn.

Gandalf: Oh, okay...just checking. Alrighty then, let's see...

He starts thinking to himself, pulling out a long ruler and measuring tape. He pulls a pencil out from behind his ear and starts writing measurements on a pad of paper

Gandalf: (to himself) Hmmm...let's see...it looks like your a 36 waist and a...

Faramir: Um, not to be annoying, but she's standing right there...can we get on with this?

--cut to--

Théoden: (in the main hall with Denny) mumblemumblemumblemumble! Translation: Get on with it!

Denny: Nooooooooooo, my linnnnee.... (Théoden knocks him over)

Horse that Éowyn had been petting earlier: (angrliy) NEEEEIIIIGGGGHHH!!! *Translation: Get on with it!

Boromir: (in the bar with Éomer in a head lock) Yeah, get on with it!

Éomer: Mwnphhyerfff!! *Translation: Get on with it!

Théodred: (From a barrow far, far away) Yes, get on with for Eru's sake! I'm not getting any deader!

Gandalf: (sheepish grin) Oops...sorry...all right then, well excuse me...

Éowyn: Wait! Please! A moment! Can you tell me where you got those leopard bikinis? The Gap of Rohan doesn't carry those and I'd like to get Éomer a pair for his birthday!

Éomer: (from off-stage, and horrified-sounding) WHAT??

Gandalf is standing there rather impatiently, getting ready to do his thing.

Gandalf: Okay, one suit of clothes coming up....wait a minute....I don’t have to sing the "Bibbity bobbity boo" song do I?

Everyone else looks around blankly, then shrugs. Gandalf waves his wand... nothing happens.

Gandalf: Dang, I could have sworn I replaced the batteries yesterday...

He smacks the wand against the wall and shakes it experimentally. Suddenly a beam of white light shoots out and engulfs him. When the smoke clears, Gandalf is dressed as panto Widow Twankey, and is looking rather confused. Faramir blinks in surprise.

Faramir: Oh my.

Gandalf: Don't. Say. Anything.

He waves his wand again. Suddenly Faramir finds himself clothed in a fine raiment of blue velvety stuff, his luxuriously-conditioned hair fluffing gently in the breeze. His ginger-colored facial hair is at the perfect "not quite beard, not quite stubble" phase. His teeth gleam in the sunlight. The theme from Tchaikovsky's "Romeo and Juliet" swells in the background.

Gandalf: My work here is done!

He waves his wand again and disappears - still dressed as Widow Twankey. Time flows back into the world. Éowyn blinks.

Éowyn: Ok, what just ha… (she sees Faramir, and abruptly stops.)

Éowyn and Faramir stare at each other for a moment, then smile at each other. Then he takes her in his arms and kisses her under the sunlit sky…oh, wait. Wrong story. Moving on…

Denethor appears in the hallway, dragging Boromir behind him again. Boromir is limping slightly.

Denethor: Éomer! Blast it! Where is that horseman? Éomer! Boromir's going to try the shoe again! I promise it will fit this time!

Boromir: Only because you broke my first and second metatarsals, you sadistic creep.

Denethor: Is that any way to talk to your father! Come... along...

His voice trails off as he spots Éowyn and Faramir in a rather compromising position. Recognition dawns.

Denethor: What? ..... You?!? YOU?!?

Denethor's lip starts to wobble again. Faramir leaps in front of Éowyn protectively.

Faramir: You wish now that our places had been exchanged. That I had been the philandering womanizer and Boromir had won the lady's hand in marriage.

Denethor: (darkly) Yes... I wish that.

Boromir: (loudly) Well, I bloody don't!

Suddenly Éomer rounds the corner, followed by Gamling, Elfhelm, Hama, and Haleth. He is brandishing the now-tattered shoe.

Éomer: We have found the foot that fits the shoe! Now at last the alliance between Gondor and Rohan can be made!

Everyone looks at him. He steps aside to reveal... Pippin, Guard of the Citadel! Éomer beams proudly, then looks at his sister. And notices her hand rather intimately entwined with Faramir's.

Éomer: .... argle ....

Smoke rises from Éomer's ears. The Riders of Rohan (now experienced in this sort of behavior) grab his arms and drag him backwards. Faramir looks alarmed.

Faramir: Uh. Just remembered I left the kettle on to boil.

He bolts down the corridor towards the kitchen. Éomer foams at the mouth. Denethor smacks Boromir around the head. Éowyn just stands there, stunned by the recent events. She looks down and sees Pippin staring hopefully up at her.

Pippin: You know, the hands of a hobbit are the hands of a healer too.

He winks broadly. Éowyn just glares down at the little hobbit. Pippin cowers.

Éowyn: (grabbing Pippin by the arm and pulling him down on to the ground and mumbling to herself angrily...) Oh, sheesh...this is what happens when I leave men to do things...well, fine, I'll just have to take matters into my own hands...Let's just see that shoe for a minute...

Éowyn pulls off the broken shoe from Pippin's foot, looking into it and then putting her hand inside. She pulls out 4 tissues.

Éowyn: Evil, false, tricksey hobbit! I can't believe you would do that to me...

Pippin: Yikes! (starts running)

Éomer: PPPHRRRROOOOOAAARRRRRR!!!!! (starts chasing after Pippin)

Éowyn: Now off to go find Prince Fluffy...

Denethor, Boromir, Gamling, Elfhelm, Hama and Haleth all stare at her, jaws dropped and dumb-founded.

Éowyn: And, guys, you might want to consider some other way to catch flies...

Éowyn runs off in the direction that Prince Fluffy went.

Denethor: (running ahead of Éowyn while shoving her to the ground and calling to his servants) Come, if you are not all disloyal!

Éowyn: Wow... he moves pretty fast for an old guy.

Éomer: (running back while carrying Pippin under his arm like a football) Hey! Nobody pushes my sister around! (he runs after Denethor, still holding Pippin)